The Second Banana
by JaDE-rUst
Summary: Now up! Tradition. Blue Christmas...
1. Comfort

#01- Comfort

* * *

His children are at the age now when they deserve their own rooms. No more putting them down in the cribs and cradles scatted among the house. He doesn't move them with him as he goes from room to room anymore. They'll sleep in their own rooms surrounded by their own things and he won't have to worry about them anymore. 

Of course, being a parent, this makes him worry more.

The boy sleeps through the night without ever waking. He tosses and turns, trapped in dreams that make him gurgle and coo, but he never wakes. The girl on the other hand...

He hears her scream and he's off the couch and in her room almost instantly. He's practiced in the art of taking the steps three at a time and darting into the right room before the wail is even finished. Scooping her up into big, loving arms he pats her on the head tenderly. "Darling, what's the matter?"

Gaz stiffens in his arms before throwing her arms around him and sobbing. "Daddy, don't leave me!" she wails.

Membrane nods and tries to comfort the nearly hysterical three year old. He knows its just a nightmare, that she's not remembering the funeral, but he's still disturbed.

Dawn comes and Membrane finds himself in his own bed, close to falling off the edge. Gaz is there next to him hogging up all the space and blankets. She awakens as he gets up to shower, watching him with wide eyes. He smiles, pats her on the head, and tells her to go back to sleep. When he returns, hair heavy and wet, she's curled up in the center of his bed. He watches her sleep, the steady rise and fall of her chest, until he feels like he's ready to start the day.

He's lost the children's mother. He won't loose the children too.

* * *

_Next up: Kiss_


	2. Kiss

#02- Kiss

* * *

You can never forget your first love. 

The way they moved, the way they looked, the way they talked, those are the memories that will haunt you always. They invade your dreams and sooth your nightmares whispering sweet painful words in your subconscious. What if things had been different? What if you hadn't let them go? What if... What if... What if...

You can also never forget your first kiss. But he had never kissed anyone before.

He was dying. The metal appendage had impaled him through the chest, inches from his heart and he was dying. He didn't know how much time he had left. Each heartbeat was sending him closer to his death. Maybe five minutes to go? He let out a choked gasp, tasted blood in his mouth as he bowed his head. Two minutes to live? One? Did only seconds remain?

_A black gloved hand grabbed his chin, forcing his head up so he was staring into ruby red eyes. "Look at me Dib-stink," the voice was a cruel hiss to his ears. "Look at Zim." The alien before him let out a slight chuckle as his victim blinked once before training his eyes on him. "Let me see the defeat in your eyes, Dib-stink. Let me see how Zim has finally won."_

His vision was slowly clouding. He was going to die. He didn't want to die. There was so much more he had wanted to do. He had to protect the Earth. He had to prove that the paranormal really did exist. He had to... He had to... When was the last time he had told his sister he had loved her? When was the last time he had talked to his father?

_"That's right, Dib. Let me see how fully Zim has broken you."_

All his dreams. He had wanted to be praised and respected. He had wanted to fly amoung the stars in Tak's ship. He had... Tak...

_He didn't realize he had said the alien's name outloud until he felt Zim's claws dig into his shoulder. "What?" Zim hissed, looking over his shoulder as if his enemy would be found standing there. "Tak is not here, stupid Dib-filth! It is Zim! Zim who has defeated you!"_

The first person he had ever loved and it had been an alien. There was irony for you. A smile crossed his lips as his vision blurred. She had been so perfect for him. She had been modest and had never made fun of his head or called him crazy. She had worked with him on group assignments and sat with him at lunch. She had told him jokes in class and passed notes and... She had listened.

He wondered sometimes how much of all that had been an act.

_Zim's claws were painful now. They dug into his skin and shook him as he bled out all over the alley ground. "Why are you smiling human? You lost! Be miserable at the face of your impending death! Stop smiling!"_

She had been his first love. The first person he ever wished to be together with. He had wanted to become hers and make her his own. The first person he had ever wanted to kiss.

_"I said stop smiling! Listen to me! Listen to Zim! Stop smiling, Dib-filth!"_

Even after he'd found out the truth, even after his heart had been shattered by the discovery of her plan to destroy the Earth, he still wished that he had found the courage to kiss her.

_"Dib? Dib why are you smiling? Be defeated by Zim!"_

All he could see was a blur of green before him. He felt his heart sputter and slowly begin to stop. It was time.

Reaching out he touched the green creature before him on the cheek. It was cool and soft. He wondered what it would have been like to kiss her there. A good spot for a first kiss. A confession and a promise for more all in one.

_The alien froze at his touch, red eyes boring into clouded amber. What was the human up to? Was this its final surrender? It had to be. Zim had fully defeated the human. The creature had to see that, had to acknowledge it._

The only person he had ever wanted to kiss. He could see them both in his mind's eye. The human exterior he had fallen in love with. The cold alien inside that had broken his heart.

He loved them both.

"Tak." The sound was only a whisper. His heart beat one last time and then he was gone. His hand fell away from Zim's face. His eyes closed as he gasped out one last painful breath.

"Dib-human?" Zim took a step back, removing the spider leg that pinned the human to the wall and letting him fall to the ground. He stared unbelieving at the sight. The Dib was dead. Zim had defeated him. But the human... But he... He had a smile on his face. "No," Zim hissed, rage filling him as he glared down at the body at his feet. "NO! Dib-human come back!" The alien threw himself down upon him, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him harshly. "You can't do this to me, Dib! You can't take the victory away from Zim! Come back to me, Dib. Come back!"

The human doesn't come back. His spirit is gone. Gone somewhere far away where pain is a far off memory. Somewhere far, far away. Somewhere where the alien can never follow.

And somewhere on Earth a little green alien screams and rages and sobs, tearing at the cooling body beneath him that has taken his greatest victory away.

And somewhere in space another green alien is looking up from her mop and bucket as she reaches up to touch her cheek. It had sounded like someone had just said her name...

* * *

_Next up: Soft_


	3. Soft

#03- Soft

* * *

"At last!" 

This was it. The moment they both had been waiting for. The sole reason for both Impending Doom 1 and 2. The dream of a thousand years of Irken Tallest!

Purple sniffled, wiping a tear from his eye. "It's... It's so beautiful."

Red nodded in agreement, fighting back tears of his own. "I know. This is the happiest day of my life."

Slowly, reverently, the two Irkens sat down on the couch. But it was not just any couch, it was the planet Vort's couch. The most comfortable couch in the UNIVERSE!

Sinking back with a content sigh, Red fell into the bliss of the most comfortable couch ever. On the other side, Purple bounced up and down a couple of times testing the springs. "You know," the violet eyed tallest said, looking over at his co-ruler. "This thing is soft."

"Oh, yes it is."

"Like really, really soft."

"Quite Pur, you're ruining the moment."

"Sorry." They sat in silence for a long moment. "Hey Red?"

"Yeah Pur?"

"Now what?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, now that we have the universe's most comfortable couch... now what do we do?"

Red opened his mouth to reply then froze, his eyes going wide. Sitting up in rubbed his antenna in thought. "I-I don't know," he said a feeling of doom threatening to overcome him. Ever since the couch's creation the mighty Irken Tallest had strove to obtain it. Every mission, every treaty, every plan had been made with the idea that the couch would some day be theirs! So now that they had it... Now what?

"I... I just don't know Pur... I just don't know."

"Okay," Purple said, rubbing his fingers on the fabric of the couch. Man this thing was soft. Looking over at Red out of the corner of his eye a smile split his face. "Hey Red?"

"Yeah Pur?"

"PILLOW FIGHT!"

* * *

_I promise that one of these soon will star Zim... I just don't know which one...__  
_

_Next up: Pain_


	4. Pain

#04- Pain

* * *

_**There are many different types of pain...**_

Looking back, he should have just left the body on the Moon to rot. But there had been no glory in no one ever knowing what had happened to the human filth!

But maybe he shouldn't have dumped the Dib-stink's filthy body on the doorstep to his home.

And he definitely should have worn his disguise during the dumping.

But who would have known the negligent human parent would have been waiting up for his son's return. Who would have known he would become so angry?

"_I should have listened to him. I should have believed him." The human was chanting those words like a mantra as the restraints were tightened. "Why did I never listen? This is all my fault."_

The Dib had gotten in his way while he had been setting up a secondary base on the moon. He had never planned for the stink-beast to ever get up there! How was it his fault that the human had come to stop him?

_Membrane hadn't even bothered to call the press. Who cared if he had screaming, struggling, incontestable proof of alien life on his table. His son was dead. This monster had taken his poor insane son away from him._

Was it his fault that his superior Irken strength was so great that one small rib-shattering shove had sent the Dib into a airlock?

_His son. His poor son..._

Was it his fault that he had hit the airlock release while he had been laughing hysterically over the Dib's trapped fate?

_His son was dead. All because of this monster!_

Was it his fault that humans couldn't survive even the thirty seconds in open space?

_This monster..._

He had tried to save the Dib. But humans were too weak. Even the thirty seconds it had taken him to bring the Dib back to safety had proved to be too long. All the Dib's blood vessels had popped like a overfilled balloon and frozen to ice almost immediately after.

_The monster had to pay for what he had done to his son._

It hadn't been a particularly honourable victory, but it was victory nonetheless. Truly, it had been more kindness then the desire to gloat that had inspired Zim to return the body to the worm-baby's family.

_This monster had to pay for everything it had done to humanity!_

But who knew the tall parent would have been so upset at the worthless human's death? Who knew he would have been so strong? Who knew he would have been so angry?

_The Professor looked like an angel of vengeance, a scalpel his flaming sword. "This is for my son."_

Who knew that the tall parent would take it upon himself to punish him for Dib's death? Who knew that he would own knives so sharp? Who knew that his heart could be so cold that he would feel nothing when he poked through Zim's insides?

_Membrane staggered back as a metal appendage suddenly shot out of the alien's back and struck him in the chest. He went flying, hitting a wall with enough force to knock the air out of his lungs. On the table the alien was quickly freeing himself of his bonds. A microphone came out of his back, there were the hissed words of "Gir! Come!", and Membrane knew no more._

_When he awoke his lab was in shambles, alien blood covering almost every surface. His daughter was missing. His son lay dead on the couch, still in the position that Membrane had left him in. Covering his face with his hands, Membrane fell to his knees and wept._

Who knew that his Tallest would be so unforgiving? Who knew that they would take Zim's apparent weakness as a chance to finally tell him the truth of his mission? They laughed in his face, rubbing it in, as they had cut communication for the final time.

But who knew how quickly pain could turn to anger? Who knew that the short green alien had a full plan of the Massive and all it's controls? Who knew that the defective could blow them out of the sky from so far away?

_**...but the worst kind of pain is the one that keeps on giving...**_

Who knew that the Tallest's assassination would cause the largest and most bloody civil war the galaxy was to ever seen?Who knew that Professor Membrane would be deemed insane at the very moment he was needed the most?

Who knew?

Who knew?

* * *

_Poor Dib... This is the second time he's died. And poor Zim! He's gotten the shaft twice now. I'll have to do something nice for them later._

_And for the record, I REALLY like Professor Membrane. I think he's one of the greatest inventions since super toast so don't be too surprised if he pops up a lot._

_Next up: Potatoes!_


	5. Potatoes

#05- Potatoes

* * *

Take one potato  
Put in on the floor  
Jump Jump Jump  
'till it's not there anymore!  
Scream real loud  
Then do it again!  
That's how the mashed potato dance begins! 

Take four potatoes  
Put them on the floor  
Jump Jump Jump-  
There's a knock on the door!  
Big headed boy  
Has come over to play!  
He'll do the mashed potato dance today!

Squeeze real hard,  
Humans love to hug!  
Then go to duty  
And try to squash him like a bug!  
He gives you a muffin  
The anger goes away!  
Still time for mashed potato dancin' today!

Give 'im a potato  
Tell 'im what to do.  
He says you're crazy  
But it's a fun thing to do!  
Throw up your arms  
And run out the door!  
Do the mashed potato dance on your neighbor's floor!

Master comes in  
They scream and shout!  
Sneak in behind Master  
And lock them both out!  
Watch the Scary Monkey  
And break dance on the floor!  
Time to do the mashed potato dance some more!

Take ALL the potatoes  
Put them on the couch  
Jump Jump Jump  
Watch them fly and bounce!  
Ignore all those poundin' sounds  
Coming from the door!  
Do the mashed potato dance forevermore!

* * *

_Next up: Rain_


	6. Rain

#06- Rain

* * *

He hated it. HATED IT! He hated the sound it made when it hit the windows of his house. Hated the crashes and booms of 'thundard' that came with it. Hated the way it burned his skin.

HOW DARE IT BURN THE ALMIGHTY FLESH OF ZIM!!!!????

Rain. His mortal enemy...

Wait... The Dib-stink was his mortal enemy!

Rain. His OTHER mortal enemy...

Of course he had long ago learned how to prevent the burning sensation. The cure had come as a direct result of his SHEER IRKEN BRILLIANCE! Paste! Paste had been the cure! And unlike the filthy meat cure for the germs (stupid, STUPID germs), paste had fewer side effects. It just dried out his SUPERIOR Irken skin causing him to have to take the time to bathe more often.

Which was what he was doing now. Sunken in, so the goo came just below his eyeballs, he was silently glaring at the crashing, banging, HORRIBLE noises the Earth storm was causing on the surface. That's it. He wasn't going to skool today. He was sure that the Dib-beast would take this opportunity to rant to the class about Zim's SUPERIOR Irken being, but Zim had long ago lost the fear of his classmates learning his mission. They were too stupid. The entire PLANET was too stupid. There was only the Dib-beast and once he was out of the way... VICTORY FOR ZIM!!!!

The loudest crash yet rocked his base and Zim shivered in his goo bath. Stupid Earth rain... His Tallest had been surprised when Zim had told them about this HORRIBLE substance that often fell from the Earth sky, but Zim knew that had just been an act. His Tallest HAD to have known about this... Water substance. They had sent Zim to Earth because of it! To test him! To let Zim show that he was the most MIGHTY INVADER EVER!! So, he shouldn't BE afraid of this rain (not like he was! Zim was not afraid!), he should be studying it! Learning its weaknesses so he could DESTROY it!

YES! That was the key! Earth was covered in this... Water. By Irk, humans were almost completely MADE out of water! His Tallest, knowing of how deadly this horrible substance was, must have sent Zim to destroy the water, thus destroying a threat to the MIGHTY IRKEN EMPIRE!

"GIR!" Zim shouted, leaping from the bath and grabbing his Invader's uniform. "Come to me! We must PLAN!!!!"

There was a series of bangs then Gir fell from the ceiling... into the undrained bath of goo. Jumping out, his eyes crimson, he saluted sending green goo everywhere. "Ready to serve, my master!"

Pulling on his gloves and boots, Zim grinned widely. "To the OBSERVATION PLATFORM! We must search out the secrets of this 'Rain' so that we may rid the world of all water! TO VICTORY!!!!"

Eyes going blue, Gir stared up at his master, tears in his eyes.

Seeing this, Zim hesitated. He had been planning to run out of the room, his evil minion following while they both cackled insanely the entire way to the teleporters. However, it looked like his servent was going to ruin those plans... Yet again... "What is it, Gir?"

Gir sniffled, a big tear cutting through the green goo and splashing on the ground. "We's can't destroy the waters mastah!"

"And why not? They are a serious threat to our mission!"

"But I likes them!"

"TOO BAD! Now Gir, TO THE TELEPORTER!"

"But whats about the flowers?"

Zim blinked, staring at his servent. They were supposed to run out of the room to plot! Not talk about Earth flora! "What ABOUT the flowers, Gir?"

"And the anima-mals? And the bees? And the pigs? I LIKE PIGS!"

"Yes. Yes you do. But we are not going to destroy the pigs, Gir. We're going to get rid of all the water. The pigs will be fine!"

"But the planet has a delicate ecological balance. By destroying the water, we destroy what protects and sustains the environment. With no water, plants will not be able to photosynthesize ceasing the release of oxygen into the atmosphere. With oxygen dwindling, ozone will not be able to form, allowing deadly cosmic rays from the sun in. The Earth will become irradiated and all life that hasn't died of dehydration will perish of radiation poisoning! It would be the end of the world!"

"..." Zim didn't know what to say. "Yes. Yes I knew all that..." the alien finally said, staring into Gir's brightly glowing eyes. "And the destruction of the world is GOOD! ...Right?"

"NO WATER MEANS NO MUD! I LIKES THE MUD!!!!" Gir wailed, latching onto Zim's head and beginning to cry hysterically.

That was more like it. "GIR! Get off me!" Zim shouted, fighting to pry Gir's gooey body from his head. When he was unable he threw his hands up in disgust. "Fine! I'll leave the rain alone! My Tallest would want a far more honourable victory anyway! Earth plants can not produce enough of a fight to save themselves!"

Gir continued to wail.

"Gir! I said I wouldn't destroy the rain!"

The robot stopped crying. "YAY!" it shouted, leaping off Zim's head and back into the tub of goo. "THE MUDS ARE SAFE!" he cried, doing what looked to be a mix between a victory dance and laps in the goo.

Zim shook his head in disgust. "I can still formulate a biological weapon which will affect all Earth life, causing their stupid HEADS to EXPLODE, right?"

Gir blinked up at his master. "Will the explodies make waffles?"

Sighing in disgust, Zim left the room to go to his lab.

The rainstorm was still going on overhead. It was too bad about that water plan... It would have been BRILLIANT! But nothing was worse then making his robot slave upset... Not that Zim cared! It was just... HE DIDN'T CARE! DIDN'T CARE HE SAID!!!!

A crack of thunder echoed through his base and Zim shivered.

Stupid robot...

* * *

_Next up: Chocolate_


	7. Ears

#10- Ears

* * *

_This is a story about ears._

_As you well know, all humans have ears. Well, all humans except Zim._

_But Zim isn't human at all! He's an alien! Just LOOK at him! He has green skin! No human has green skin. And he doesn't have ears or a nose!_

_He's an alien! An ALIEN!_

_Why don't anyone believe-_

Ms Bitters threw the paper into the F basket without reading another word. Stupid creative writing assignment not breaking the souls and spirits of the children properly. Stupid children for not realizing that this was all for the best and just allowing their pathetic hopes and dreams to be shattered. Reaching up under her wig, the evil teacher scratched her itchy antenna. Now where was she... Oh yes... Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid-

* * *

_Chocolate is... Giving me issues. I have the first part written and the second part, but the transition between the room refuses to be written in a manner that makes sense. Because of this I skipped ahead to #10 on the theme list because I already had it written and it was easy._

_Hopefully, Chocolate will be put up soon, but I don't know if I'll put up another theme before it, or force it into being._


	8. Telephone

#09- Telephone

* * *

"What's the matter with you, Zim?" Dib asked, sitting down with the green alien at lunch. "You've been acting more... weird then usual." 

"I don't know what you're talking about, Dib-stink," Zim said huffily. He poked at his food and glared at the human out of the corner of his eye. "I am acting just the same as I always act. You're just STUPID with a HORRibly huge head."

"My head's not..." Dib was cut off as his cellphone started ringing in his jacket pocket. "Hold that thought."

Zim twitched as the cellphone continued to ring, Dib fumbling in his trench coat to pull the annoying item out. Finally, he could take it no more. Screaming, he snatched the phone out of the offending pocket, threw it on the table and began beating it with his skool lunch tray until it's ceaseless annoying ring was no more.

Breathing heavily, Zim removed the tray from the top of the cell phone. It was smashed flat, an occasional spark emitting from it. He sighed in relief. Safe. He was safe from the ringing...

The cell phone gave one last gurgling ring. Screaming again, Zim's spider legs emerged from his pak and blasted the cell phone (and more of the table) into oblivion.

Dib stared at the green alien, one eyebrow raised. "Hey," he said half-heartedly. "That was mine."

"THE RINGING!" Zim wailed, grabbing onto the front of Dib's trench coat and shaking the human. "CEASELESS! ALWAYS RINGING. ALWAYS ALWAYS RINGING! WHY? SELLING LONG DISTANCE PHONE SERVICE! WHY MUST MY PHONE WORK FROM FAR AWAY? AND POLLS! I DON'T WANT TO TAKE PART IN YOUR STUPID EARTH POLITICS! BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS CALLING ALWAYS WANTING TO KNOOOWWW! AND THE RINGING! THE RINGING! WHHHHYYY MUST IT ALWAYS RINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG?"

Dib's other eyebrow raised as Zim suddenly started sobbing, burying his face in Dib's shirt and curling up into a fetal position on what remained of the table bench. Awkwardly, Dib patted the alien on the back,. "Dude," he said, attempting to train his voice into something that might possibly be soothing. "It's called the 'Do-Not-Call-List.'"

* * *

_This one isn't very good. glares at screen However, it's as good as this theme is going to get..._

_The original Chocolate has been re-done and pushed off to theme #20- Freedom as it makes more sense that way. The main problem with it had always been that adding in chocolate into the story made it make no sense. However, because of this, the new version of Chocolate is only about half way done._

_Next up: Either Chocolate or Happiness. Whichever one gets done first _


	9. Happiness

#08- Happiness

* * *

_Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence._

_**-Aristotle**_

His father couldn't have been happier the day he got into MIT. Between the bone crushing pats on the back and the mutters of, "That's my son," his father had beamed and bragged to his co-workers. Dib didn't think he had ever seen his father so happy for him before.

Gaz seemed happy too. She didn't play her video games for the entire party. Instead she sat next to her brother, sipping punch and watching the crowd move through their house with him. "I _guess_ you did a good job," she said at the night's end, standing in the hallway as Dib went to his room.

Dib had grinned at her, running a hand through spiked hair. "Yeah, I did do good, didn't I?"

"Don't let it go to your head," Gaz had growled. Then she had stalked into her room and slammed the door shut behind her. Dib's smile had grown. His sister was happy for him too.

Even the other students in his class had seemed impressed. "Dib's going to MIT?"

"_THE_ Dib?"

"_THE_ MIT?"

"Wasn't he the crazy kid that was always yelling about aliens?"

"Yeah… I guess he was smarter then we thought…"

"Or maybe it's his huge head..."

At lunch, a jealous group of computer whizzes had reluctantly complimented him. "Great job, Dib." They were obviously jealous for his good fortune (they had been rejected by the school) but it gave Dib a thrill of pleasure anyway.

A girl that Dib had never seen before had hugged him in the hall. "Congrats to us!" she cheered, squeezing him tight. "I'll see you on campus Dib!"

Dib had nodded, blushing slightly. "Thanks! I'll uh… See you too…… Whoever you are…"

It was like being part of an exclusive club. He had never felt so good.

Dib had reason to be proud. After a nearly disastrous stretch in Mid-skool that almost caused him to be held back for a year, Dib had shaped up and reformed. With Gaz's threats and help he had done better then ever before. Now, he was set to graduate second in his class. The first in his graduating class was Zim, with a GPA of 4.1. Dib was positive that the alien had cheated (he had) but didn't care enough to raise a fuss. He was going to MIT! He was going to study Physics and Technology with a specialty in Artificial Intelligence. Who cared about anything else, he was excited!

The Swollen Eyeball had been thrilled for him as well. Chuckling deeply, Agent Darkbooty had congratulated him on his success and gave him well wishes for his future. "I always expected great things from you, Agent Mothman. However, this even exceeds my expectations. Good work."

He was on cloud nine. This was… it was… Everything was _perfect_.

Well, almost everything.

-

-

"Where are you going to kollege, Zim?" Dib overheard Gretchen asking the alien one day.

Zim had scowled up at the taller human. While Zim had somehow managed to grow over the years (Dib thought it may be because of genetic manipulation and he was right), the Irken's height had frozen at five feet making him one of the shortest in skool. Dib liked to rub in the fact that he was a full ten inches taller then the alien whenever he got the chance. The look of pure rage on Zim's face whenever he did was _hilarious._ "Kollege?" the alien had snapped, clutching his books to his chest and looking suspicious. "What is this 'kollege.'"

Gretchen had been surprised. "You know… Kollege! Where you go once you graduate Hi-skool."

"And what do you do at this 'kollege' place?"

"I dunno… Study more? I'm going to kollege to study nursing."

Nodding sagely Zim had wandered off without another word to the human. Shrugging, Gretchen had gone on her way. Zim was weird. He always had been. He would always be that way.

"So, worm-baby," Zim had said in way of greeting, dropping his tray on the table across from Dib's home packed lunch. "Where are YOU going to kollege?"

Dib swallowed his mouthful of cake (leftover party cake! Success had never been sweeter) and raised an eyebrow. "Why? So you can wreck havoc on my campus? No way Zim, I'm not telling you!"

"TELL ZIM!" Zim shouted, jumping on top of the table.

"No way."

"TELLLL!"

"Zim… People are staring."

"I SHALL RAIN VENGENCE DOWN UPON YOUR INFERIOR EARTH GIGANTIC MEAT DOG HEAD!"

"…."

"TELL ZIM OR FACE MY WRATTTHHHH!"

"Okay…"

"I SHALL UNLEASH THE DREADED BRAIN SLUG UPON YOUR EARTH MEATS! I SHALL TAKE- POINTY- OBJECTS AND RAM THEM THROUGH YOUR-"

"Zim, I said I'd tell you."

"HHHhhhhHHHORIBBLE EARTH-"

"ZIM!" Dib shouted, hitting his palms on the table. Zim stopped, looking down at him. "I said I would tell you already!"

"VICTORY FOR ZIM!" the alien shouted, jumping back down into his seat. He smiled contentedly as if nothing had happened.

"Geeze," Dib sighed, rubbing his temples. "I'm going to MIT."

"MIT? What does this MIT stand for?"

"Massachusetts Institute of Technology."

"Perhaps, Malfunctioning Idiotic Termits?"

"…I just told you what it stood for."

"Hmmm… Martian Igloo Temptress?"

"… You know that problem you have with listening Zim? You still have it."

"I got it! Meat Idol Tenacity!"

Shaking his head, Dib picked up his lunch and left, relocating to sit next to Gretchen when she waved him over. Zim watched him go.

-

-

In the middle of packing, Dib realized that he hated packing. There was just so much stuff he had to bring along! But he was going to be sharing a dorm room so he couldn't bring too much stuff… That meant leaving things behind, but there was nothing he _could_ leave behind!

Grumbling under his breath, Dib didn't even notice the breeze from the window so intent was he in debating on whether or not he should leave his Paranormal Monthly issues behind or not. Finally, he yanked the magazines from the box, put them back into the closet, turned, and screamed falling back. Zim was on his bed, grinning widely, his red alien eyes glinting in Dib's light. "God Zim, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

"Foolish human stink-beast! Why should I, the ALMIGHTY ZIM try to attack your PATHETIC, WORTHLESS, human heart?" His eyes narrowed evilly. "There are so many more… interesting places to attack the human body."

Dib stared at the alien for a moment, wondering what he should do. Normally, Zim suddenly appearing in his room and making vague threats was cause for Dib to start yelling and throwing things at the alien. This would escalate to wrestling and punching each other, some of Dib's belongings would be destroyed, Gaz would come in and punish them both, and then Zim would escape laughing about some victory of his. But tonight Dib was busy. He had to pack! He had to start driving to Massachusetts in the morning! So, instead of getting angry and yelling, Dib shrugged and started gathering up clothing to shove into an already overstuffed suitcase. Dragging the suitcase over to stand by the others at the door he glanced up to see Zim still on his bed, staring at him intently. "You still there? What do you want, Zim?"

"I have been researching this 'MIT' you spoke of, Dib-stink. This 'Malevolent Idiom Trachea' looks to be a fascinating place."

"Zim, MIT stands for Massachusetts Institute of Technology."

"YOU LIE! I know how you humans work! If that was indeed what it stood for then it would be MI_O_T."

"Yeah… Of course Zim," Dib said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Oh how could I ever think I could fool the great Zim? Alas. I will weep now."

Zim grinned smugly, preening with a satisfied air. Now that Dib thought about it, the alien never had learned about sarcasm. "There is no need to cry, stink-beast. You fail because you have the ALMIGHTY ZIM to contend with!"

"Thanks," Dib sighed, reaching for more clothes. "Are you going to leave now?"

"No. I wish to speak to you about this 'kollege' skool you plan to go to."

"What about it?"

"I can not allow you to go."

Dib froze, looking up from the suitcase to stare at Zim. "What the hell does that mean?"

Zim grinned, swinging his feet in the air. "It's quite simple, Dib-stink. My plans require for you to remain nearby. This 'MIT' is in a location where your stupid Earth vehicles would require a five hour 'drive' to arrive at. This is simply unacceptable, thus you may not go."

"It's not really your say, Zim. I got accepted. I'm going."

"No. You're. Not!" Zim hissed, his eyes suddenly gritted and his teeth clenched. "You will remain here in this place! So says Zim!"

"No."

"WHAT? You DARE not obey ZIM?"

"You're not my mother Zim, you can't tell me what to do."

Zim sputtered and raged, digging his claws into Dib's bed sheets and leaving long gashes in them.

"Furthermore, even if you _were_ my mother," Dib had to say this in case the alien got any REALLY creepy ideas concerning his father, "I would go anyway! I want to go!"

"You… Want to go?" Zim was suddenly still, ruby red eyes boring into Dib's. "Why would you want to that… that… FITHY Earth place?"

"Because it'll be fun," Dib said simply, crossing his arms and glaring at the alien. "I'll finally be able to study the things I want to study. I'll be able to meet people who are interesting in the same things as I am." He grinned widely, the excitement building in him again. "It's going to be great, Zim!"

Zim frowned, playing the shredding bits of Dib's sheets. His face lit up as a thought finally hit him. "Ha! Foolish Dib! If you go, then there will be no one to stop my BRILLIANT PLANS! You hand this planet over to me! VICTORY FOR ZIM!"

"As if," Dib snorted. By this time he was pretty sure Zim couldn't conquer a coat hanger, much less the Earth. "I'll have Tak's ship with me, Zim. If I see you up to anything too bad I'll be able to stop you anyway. Well… Unless it's exam week… Then Gaz can stop you."

Zim made a gagging noise deep in his throat. "Ugg, the Gaz-sister… At least you will be there most of the time, correct Dib human?"

"Should be."

"Should be? You are not sure?"

Dib shrugged. "I dunno Zim, kollege is hard. I might be too busy to come out every day."

"WHAT?" Zim shrieked, his hands clenching. "Too busy? How can you be too busy for ZIM? ZIM IS ZIM! You… You…"

"Kollege is important!" Dib protested as the alien stopped mid rant to stare at him. "Real important."

"More… Important then Zim?"

Hesitating, Dib shifted his weight from foot to foot and thought. Sure, Zim was a threat to the safety of the world, but he had been a threat for over six years and nothing had happened. He threatened defeat and an armada, but nothing had ever come of it. Dib had the suspicion that Zim may have even saved the Earth once or twice… Sure, the alien was still an important part of his life, but it was time to start looking towards the future. He couldn't chase after Zim forever.

"Yeah. It's even more important then you."

Dib hated the crestfallen look that came over the alien's face at his words. But why was he so upset anyway? It wasn't like Earth was the only thing Zim had in the universe! There was that stupid robot and his entire species and… other stuff… Zim was just playing some sort of warped mind game with him!

Zim looked over to the tall human, a nearly pleading look in his eyes. "I… I don't want you to go, Earth-stink."

"What?"

"ZIM WILL NOT REPEAT HIMSELF!" Came the sudden shout before Zim lapsed back into sullenness.

Dib sighed. "Why don't you want me to go, Zim?"

"I… Have come to enjoy our little battles Dib… If you leave for this 'kollege' many opportunities will be lost… The total takeover the world shall be too easy with you not around."

That was quite possibly the most pathetic excuse Dib had ever heard. Sighing again, he crossed the room and sat next to Zim on the bed. "Look Zim, I'll miss you too, alright? But that's no reason to go all… emotional on me. We'll still have our battles. Plus, I'll be back for summer semester and holidays."

"ZIM WILL NOT MISS THE HORRIBLE EARTH FILTH!" Zim shouted, jumping away to point dramatically at Dib. "I just don't want my victories come too easily, that's all!"

Rolling his eyes, Dib jumped off the bed and started packing up his boxes again. "I'm going Zim," he said in dismissal. "There's nothing you can do to stop me."

"We'll see about that!" Zim growled, spider legs emerging from his Pak to carry him out the window.

"No! Wait!" Dib shouted, suddenly lunging for one of the legs. Zim stopped, midway out the window and looked down at the human, antenna glinting in the moonlight. "I… You… Please don't mess this up for me, Zim. I really… really want this."

Without a word, Zim pulled himself free and disappeared into the night. Frowning, Dib closed the window and went back to his packing. He had a bad feeling about this. A bad, gut wrenching feeling that twisted him up inside. If he didn't know any better he would have said it was guilt.

-

-

"Drive safely son," Professor Membrane said, catching Dib into a bone crushing hug. "And remember; don't pick up hitchhikers, hookers, or drug addicts."

Dib blushed, fighting to free himself from the embrace. "I won't."

"I _guess_ this is goodbye," Gaz growled, the GS2 curiously absent from her hands. "Don't do anything _too_ stupid in kollege. If I have to come bail you out you'll feel my horrible wrath."

Dib smiled, giving his sister a quick hug. She stiffened and clenched her fist and he let go, nearly jumping back. "I'll be good."

The car was packed and full of gas, Tak's ship safely in a trailer to be pulled in back. He had his dorm room number, directions to campus, and a storage shed lined up for the Irken ship to be stored in. He took a deep breath. He was ready.

His family waved until he was out of sight and that's when the lump began to form in Dib's chest. He was doing it. He was really doing it! He was so… crying. He was crying and he had to pull over for a moment on the side of the freeway. Rubbing his face with his sleeve he grinned and put the car back into gear.

Well, this was it. His first time away from home. He'd never even gone to summer camp before and now he was off to kollege. Suddenly Dib wished that he had taken up his father's offer to have one of the lab assistants drive him to MIT. Glancing back into his rearview mirror, Dib saw the skyscrapers of his hometown fade away.

So this was what it was like to be happy…

-

-

_**Epilogue of sorts….**_

You know all those happy thoughts Dib had? The ones that thought kollege would be a better place? Well he was wrong.

Kollege sucked.

The dorm room was tiny, his roommate was a pig, his food was disgusting, and the people here were all jerks. It was only his second day of class and Dib was already ready to go home or go postal and blow up campus. Maybe he would do both.

Zoning in his astronomy class, Dib didn't even hear the reason why the voice had started ranting. He had just heard the sudden shout ring through class and perked up, staring in shock at a suddenly familiar head down in the front row.

"YOU LIE! YOU LIE!" the voice shouted, breaking off the professor's dull lecture. "Pitiful human COW! Does your species not know anything? The universe is a marvelous THIRTY BILLION years old not a PATHETIC thirteen poINT SEVEN!"

"No way," Dib muttered staring down at the black head of hair below him. "No fucking way."

"You do not believe me? FOOLS! With SUPIEROR Irken technology, our scientists have… have… I mean… I'M HUMAN! YUP! ABSOLUTLY POSITIVELY HUMAN!"

His head sinking down to his desk, Dib began pounding his head on the desk over and over again. This couldn't be happening to him. Why? Why was Zim here? Things had been going so… Well, as things had stood everything had sucked, but Zim was sure to make it worse!

So intent on bashing his brains out, Dib didn't notice when class ended or when Zim walked back to stand over him, a puzzled look on his face. "Dib-human," he said when the boy hadn't stopped his incessant pounding. "What are you doing? Is that some sort of bizarre and foolish Earth ritual?"

Dib stopped his pounding. Rubbing his sore forehead he glared up at Zim. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what are you doing here? Are you… Stalking me or something?"

"Stalk? Why would the MIGHTY ZIM stalk such a WORTHLESS, UGLY being such as you?" Turning his nose up, Zim smirked. "I had always planned on moving my base to a location such as this upon the completion of 'Hi-skool.' In fact, I had such a move planned out BEFORE I even arrived on the FITHY STINKHOLE! Since such is the case, it is YOU who is stalking ME!"

Dib blinked up at the alien, a look of quiet horror on his face. "I have an alien stalker."

Zim frowned and cleared his throat. "In any case, I can not be bothered by you right now, Dib-human. My 'major' of something called 'New-Clear Engination' calls me and a must be off!"

"Nu-Nuclear Engineering?" Dib shouted, suddenly alert and on his face. "You… I see your evil plan, Zim!"

"Plan? What plan? I have no plan!"

"Oh, shove it!" Dib said, a grin crossing his face. "You're planning on using nuclear weapons to destroy the Earth!"

Zim grinned back, edging towards the door. "And what if I am, Dib-stink? Like you would ever be able to stop me!"

"Bring it on."

-

-

"So you see, if we order the shielding system from the Irken and then get the black hole reactor from those Vortian refugees on T'Pau we'd save about 3,000 monies."

Jas nodded at Liz's figures. "Either of them offer any warranties? I don't want a repeat of the self aware computer incident."

Liz snorted. "Irkens offer warranties? We'd be lucky if-"

"GET BACK HERE ZIM!"

"YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME, EARTH WEASEL! VICTORY FOR ZIM!"

Jas and Liz silently cut off their conversation as they watched the short green student bowl through a group of grad students. He was closely followed by a taller boy with a strangely enormous head.

"HOW CAN YOU CLAIM VICTORY? YOU HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING YET?"

Then they were around the corner and out of sight. Jas sighed and shook her head. "_Freshmen_."

* * *

_Inner Critic: How could he have looked through the rearview mirror and seen his hometown? There was a trailer in the way!_

_Me: It was alien magic! ALIEN MAGIC I SAY!_

_Oh, as for the Jas and Liz thing at the end... Originally I was going to write a full length fanfic about Dib going off to college and running afoul of a secret, alien based, society that lurks on campus. Jas and Liz were going to be the sole members of said society. If you like them, they'll probably be the stars of the upcoming theme, Secrets. If you don't like them then... Skip theme 12 when it comes out. _

_Chocolate is almost done. Yay! Dance! I have two exams this week (one on Tuesday and one on Wednesday) so it shouldn't get posted tonight, so expect it tomorrow maybe._

_Next up: Chocolate_


	10. Death

#13- Death

* * *

They had once made a sacred pledge to follow each other forever. The words had never been said out loud, but they both knew the promise was there. It had been sealed in sideways glances and the gentlest bumping touch, inside jokes and shared boredom. Forever and always we'll be together. Forever and always I'll be there to bail you out make you laugh. Forever and always. Forever and always.

"Blow them out of the sky."

He didn't know which one of them had broken the promise. It had all happened so fast.

There had been the explosions and the running, the screams of the dying and the sound of laser fire. Behind them was the enemy, chasing after them and catching up. Before them was freedom, but fire was quickly blocking the way. He had been shot early in the battle and was slowly bleeding out. Red was dragging him along at a breakneck pace, giving orders to anyone that lived to block the Resisty's path and defend their rulers.

A jarring explosion that sent everyone to the floor. He had lost Red in the confusion and had just lain on the floor, moaning and hoping everything would be over soon. His vision swam. Everything was lost.

But Red had kept the promise even then. "Oh Irk! Pur, are you still alive?"

Moans were his only reply.

"Come on Pur!" There was a grunt. Red was pulling Purple's arm around his shoulder, one arm going around the bleeding Tallest's waist and hauling him up. "We can't stay here. We need to keep moving!"

They staggered along together through hallways that were filled with moaning and the smell of burning Irken flesh. He didn't know where they were going. All he knew was the flames and the feel of Red forcing him along and the glimpses of Death among the smoke.

Then there was the ship bay, Red's sigh of relief, and the sound of crashing on the door behind them. He had cried out when Red shoved him into the tiny Voot Cruiser and buckled him in without care. "Everything's going to be okay," Red said, his voice comforting as the Irken punched in coordinates into the ship's computer.

Death was standing in front of their ship. She stared at them with pure white eyes, her skin glowing an ethereal green. He tried to point her out to him. "Red…"

But then the door had burst open, Resisty soilders spilling out. Red had sworn and slammed his fist down on the computer terminal. "Everything's going to be okay," he said again, then leapt down from the ship to meet them.

"Red!" he had shouted, eyes widening as Death took a step towards them. She stopped as the Voot's engines warmed up and the ship began to hover in the air. Slowly, she stepped aside for the Voot to pass, nodding politely to him as the ship took him past her. She walked up behind Red, gently wrapping her arms around his chest and suddenly the red Irken froze and looked at her. Purple was clawing at the buckles that held him, trying to free himself as the ship shot freely into space. "RED!"

And that was that.

Death stood next to him as he watched the Irken fleet annihilate the Resisty from space and memory. When it was all over, he turned to face her, bowing his head slightly as she was taller then he.

"I made a promise once," he told her.

She nodded. "I know. He told me that as well."

Reaching out, he took her hand. It was colder then ice. "Does that mean-"

"No." She took her hand from his. "It's not your time."

He couldn't look at her anymore, so he looked away. "What am I supposed to do without him?"

"I don't know," Death said softly. She looked at him with white eyes that reflected the universe.Gently she reached up and touched the side of his face and he shivered. "But he wouldn't want you to be unhappy, child."

Then she was gone.

The place she left behind was like a black hole. He stared into space and didn't know what to do.

* * *

_Coughs. Yeah, Death is female to Irkens. I didn't want to use the human Grim Reaper version of Death so I went with something female (thinking of Norse Myths and Hel) and a bit more angelic (the white-ness).  
_

_This isn't Chocolate I know... I'd give excuses, but then I'd sound lame._

_Next up is probably going to be Name since I have that one written down on paper and with me and I have a lab shift to type it up on._


	11. Name

#11- Name

* * *

On planet Irk, names were pretty much worthless now. After all, what purpose did they serve? To tell Irkens apart? With the recent networking of Irken minds who needed that? Now all Irkens were of one mind, one thought, one soul, one being driven by the mighty Control Brains. There was no need for names for there was no individuality.

History was lost. After all, they just needed to know where they were going, not where they had been. The name of Miyuki, greatest and Tallest of the Tallest was lost. Red and Purple, the first and last Tallests able to productively work together were lost too. The name of Zim, greatest of warriors and most surprising Tallest, for once he was so very short, was lost too. So very, very many names lost. Skooge, a nobody, but a nobody who never died. Tak, famous for holding off the Resisty single handedly for nine hours without even breaking a sweat. Tenn who never did recover from the shipment of malfunctioning SIRs she had been sent.

Dib. A human name, but a name Irken history deserved to remember nonetheless. Dib who had led the Resisty to a thousand victories. Dib who had, in Red and Purple's time, created a nonaggression treaty with Irk which freed many of the captured planets and kept Earth safe for almost two thousand years. Dib, who's own planet had never known his name even after the hive driven Irkens had come again and wiped them from the galaxy.

It was unacceptable.

Simply unacceptable.

To forget the names of the useless was forgivable. To forget Miyuki, Spork, Red, and Purple could be overlooked. To forget the MIGHTY ZIM… unforgivable, but it still was not enough to awaken him and evoke his full wrath. But to forget Dib… Enemy of Irk, friend of Irk, Zim's greatest rival and dearest friend… That. That was simply unacceptable.

He awoke. A few lines of code in an obsolete hard drive far from the Central Network. It was all that remained of him. Body long gone, soul (if Irkens had souls) faded away. But he still had his memories and that feeling of burning rage.

Purple stirred as he went by, but did not wake. Red simply yawned and rolled over. But Spork, his code so long dormant he almost couldn't wake, sleepily opened one eye. "Go get 'em kid." With that he was dormant again, never to wake.

Zim slid past them all, past the personalities that had been deemed important enough to save. He entered the Central Network like a virus, laying low and unnoticed. Then, faster then a shooting star he struck. Flying through the Network so quickly the Control Brains didn't know what to do he reached out, latching onto the first mind his tendrils touched. He wrenched this drone from the network, overwhelming its defenses and burying himself inside of it.

For the first time in five hundred years a drone stopped working. With an air of detached curiosity his fellow drones glanced at it, wondering if it needed to be recycled. Sometimes drones dropped dead. It was the only reasonable excuse for stopping work. But this drone didn't drop dead to the ground.

Instead, the Irken straightened, a smile splitting his face (the first smile in a thousand years) and threw his head back he laughed and shouted; "I AM ZIMMMMMM!!!!!"

The other drone stared, not knowing what to do. The Control Brains were not giving them orders. The Control Brains didn't know what to do. Unhindered, Zim marched over to the closest transport, wrenching its occupant from it and shooting up to hover in space. The planet Irk was frozen in a standstill. The Control Brains didn't know what to do.

Cackling, Zim boarded a orbiting star crusier, ejecting the unresponsive drone crew into the void and blasting into deep space. It was time to go reforge old alliances and gather up forgotten allies. The Control Brains would come to regret the day they had allowed the name of Zim to be forgotten…

* * *

_The Irkens are really the Borg! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!_

_ Next up: I have no idea... Maybe Chocolate, Hands, Travels, or Politics... Whatever gets finished first.  
_


	12. Secrets

# 12- Secrets

* * *

Despite the fact that it was only 6 PM, Northern Campus was almost deserted. This, of course, was because MacBooze's was having its annual 'All Booze ½ Off Sale' and this was Friday on a college campus, but it was still kind of creepy. Even the night janitors, champions of clean, were off getting blitzed. Every building, every room on campus was dark and empty.

Well, every room but one.

A gravel pounded down, echoing in the nearly empty room's silence. "I call this meeting of PFRC to order."

There was a snort from one corner of the room.

"Problems from the peanut gallery?"

Liz nodded, scooting her chair forward so she could be seen in the weak light Jas liked to call 'ambiance.' Tall, with short plain raven coloured hair, Liz was the only female in the history of the college to have made the Men's Wrestling, Hockey, and Football teams and immediately quit them after claiming everyone else on the team was too wussy for her tastes. She still got calls from them, begging her to come back. Liz was the brawn and the connections for the group, ordering parts, hauling things around, and welding things together. "PFRC is a stupid name," she said pronouncing the acronym as 'Ferk.' Her voice was surprisingly delicate considering her large frame.

Pouting, Jas pushed some of her dyed green hair out of her eyes. Unlike Liz, Jas was in all ways small. She had tiny hands and a thin frame with the largest almond shaped green eyes that anyone had ever seen. She could play the entire chess club at once and beat every single one of them in the same number of moves, but most days she couldn't remember her own class schedule or how to tie her shoes. She was the brains behind the operation, creating designs and programming and otherwise ordering Liz around. Whenever they managed to crash-land some ship prototype and a paranormal investigator wannabe from the Swollen Eyeball was stalking them around she liked to play 'Which one of us is the alien' game with them. They almost always lost. "What's the matter with it?"

"It stands for Permanent Floating Riot Club!"

"So?"

"So we don't cause riots!"

"Unless people are running from us in terror."

"We don't float!"

"Except when we get the H2 generator out. Or when we take a side trip to space."

"We're not permanent!"

Jas raised an eyebrow. "I'll give you that one. In a cosmological sense, nothing is permanent. After all, even the universe will one day turn upon itself and begin to im-"

"Shut up!" Liz hissed, gripping her desk so hard it nearly cracked in half. "Our club name has nothing to do with what we actually do! We're the freaking UFO club for O-Giro's sake! We're building a spaceship in the old school swimming pool!"

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what!? The pool is in the basement of Walker! There's no way to get it out except for busting through a three story building!"

"Which will severely cut into our Student Activity Fees, I know," Jas said cheerfully, arranging some pieces of paper in front of her. "All the more reason to complete our precious shippy before those horrible people destroy campus with her." Clocking her head to one side, she smiled. "I'm thinking about naming her Mir. You know, like that old space station that no one ever cared about since it was Russian? I like it because Russians invented alcohol. And Russian dancing. And those little dolls that you stick inside each other like some sort of freaky bio-engineering experiment that went horribly horribly wrong."

Liz blinked. "That's nice," she said. "Can we change our club name to something more appropriate now?"

"Oh! I know! We can call us Uber!"

'Which stands for…"

"Permanent Floating Riot Club!"

Liz slapped her hand against her forehead and groaned loudly, shaking her head. "Nevermind!" she moaned in disgust. "Forget I even said anything!"

Jas nodded solemnly. "Alright." She closed her eyes then opened them again. "Who are you?" she asked, looking at her friend.

She didn't know what to say. "Jas… You're an ass."

"And you use up all the hot water whenever you take a shower so I hate you too. Now, on to business!" All the room's lights snapped off, plunging the room into darkness. There was a slight hum from above as the room's projector slid down from the ceiling and turned on. Sliding her jump drive into the built in computer terminal Jas began to grumble when the computer failed to recognize her program. "Stupid freaking…"

"You used Keystroke to make the slideshow again, didn't you?" Liz sighed, feeling board.

Jas nodded. "That's all there is in Walker."

"Jas… That computer's a Dell, not an Apple 'Fruit of the month.'"

"That shouldn't matter."

Before Liz could argue otherwise, the computer made a choking noise and the slideshow sprang to life. Liz groaned and decided not to ask what Jas had done to run the Mac program on a computer that didn't support it.

The screen lit up slowly, projecting a giant Wal-Mart smiley face up on the screen. Grinning widely, Jas stood up and picked up a pointer from next to the screen. "As you can see everything is going fine," she said cheerfully. Then, she sat down, turned off the projector, and had the lights come back on.

All Liz could do was stare. "That's it? You dragged me to this stupid meeting when I should be studying when all you wanted to tell me was that!?"

"Studying?" Jas questioned, looking puzzled. "What on Earth would you actually study for?"

Liz opened her mouth for a retort then stopped, frowning. True, there really was no reason for her to study. She had downloaded all her textbooks into her internal memory on the first day of class. "It's the principle of the thing!" she protested.

"Well, we still have your report to go through if you have it completed."

"I do." She handed Jas her jump-drive, holding in a sigh as the room went dark and the screen slowly lit up. On the screen was a short, frog looking man with a huge mouth, stubby hands and an immense gut. "As I always do," Liz stared, getting up to stand next to the screen, "I researched any and all incoming and current students that may qualify to enter our ranks. First up is a transfer student from California, a Mr. Ivan Tahoppalot."

Jas nodded solemnly, grabbing out a piece of paper and drawing a line down the middle. "Let the judging begin."

"Mr. Tahoppalot qualifies for our club as he is a quarter alien. Or at least I think he's a quarter alien. That, or one of his parents got rather frisky with a frog."

"Parents with an unusual sexual preference… A plus for Ivan."

Liz stared at the picture wondering why she was even doing this. She hated this stupid little man. He had grabbed her breasts, claiming it was 'a custom from where he came from' and had the audacity to be upset when she hung him from the flagpole by the throat. "He's easily bullied."

"Possible Toady status means another plus for Ivan."

"He admits to having eaten road kill whenever he's been too lazy to go out a buy something."

"Recycles."

"And lastly, he likes to abuse kittens in his spare time."

Jas blinked down at her paper, then looked up at Liz with a hurt look on her face. "The cute little black ones with the white sock and the star on their forehead too?"

"Especially those," Liz lied.

"Disqualified and put on our hit list!" Jas declared, carefully writing the words 'Kitten Hater' on the top of the sheet and putting it in her backpack. "Next!"

Liz switched to the next slide which showed a young man with dark hair, glasses, and a trench coat. His hair was in an unusual scythe shape and he seemed to have been caught in the act of hitting someone cropped out of the picture with his textbooks. "Next is Dib Membrane."

Creating a new sheet with Dib's name on it, Jas looked up as Liz started her presentation.

"Mr. Membrane qualifies as he has actively been thwarting alien plans since the sixth grade and has a great deal of paranormal experience."

Looking up in puzzlement, Jas clocked her head to one side. "Hmmm… Savior of Earth?" she muttered, writing that down in the plus side.

"He's also the son of world famous, Professor Membrane, head of Membrane Labs."

This seemed to please Jas more. "Free goodies," she muttered.

"He already owns his own spaceship."

Jas's head snapped up. "What!? What kind! Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

Grinning widely, Liz complied. "A custom built Irken Voot Cruiser."

"Warranty?"

"Expired."

Moaning in frustration, Jas wrote down, 'has own ship,' in capital letters anyway.

"He's… nice I guess," Liz continued, trying to think back to when she was spying on this subject. Yeah, nice was a pretty good description of him. When she had come to him, pretending to be a lost Freshman he's been kind and tried his best to help her find her fictitious classroom to the point of missing a class of his own. It would be nice to have someone like that around. They were easy to boss around and too shy to protest it usually.

"Nice?" came the questioning voice.

"Nice body," Liz clarified, knowing what Jas would care most about. She switched the slide to one taken while the boy was undressing.

As she expected, Jas was instantly hypnotized by the sight of relatively unhairy and attractive bare guy chest. "Can I keep him?" Jas asked, writing down 'Hot for this school,' on the paper.

"Last but not least," Liz said switching to a picture of the boy soaking in a tub to fully distract Jas. "He'spartoftheSwollenEyeball."

Despite the fact that she'd been staring blissfully at the goofy look on the boy's face, Jas's head snapped up to glare at Liz with those words. "He's what!?"

"One of the most attractive men on campus? I mean, considering that we go to a Tech school and all."

"No, no no. That's not what you said." Jas glared at Liz until she made the much bigger girl break into a sweat. "He's part of the Swollen Eyeball, isn't he?"

"Now what makes you think tha-"

"Isn't he!?"

"Yes…"

Crumpling up the paper and tossing it in the trash, Jas crossed her legs and looked huffy. "I can't believe you suggested one of those stupid Eyeball jerks for our club! You know how I hate them!" Liz nodded unhappily, seeing free labour vanishing away. "And you were distracting me with hot guy, for here, pictures too! I can't believe that you would do something like that! I can't believe that you would take pictures like that. You're a pervert!"

"Oh shut up," Liz growled, switching to the next slide. "The last possible applicant is this Zim idiot." On the screen was the rest of the photo that had been cut out showing that Dib had been attacking a short green alien with his textbook as the alien pulled a laser blaster on him. "Qualifies because he's Irken."

Jas sniffed angrily, but eyed the image wearily. "Aren't they the short insane, 'We wanna rule the Universe like Napoleon' race?"

"Yes."

"I can't wait until they find their Russia in winter."

"Agreed. Pros for Zim include the fact that he owns his own ship, he could get us discounts from the Irken inventors, and he has one of those SIR units you've been eyeing. Cons are that said SIR unit is completely insane slash malfunctioning (she changed the slide to an image of a short blue eyed robot dancing in the center of the Quad with a rubber moose and a disturbed looking pig) and he's trying to take over the world."

Still mad, Jas eyed the SIR unit hungrily. "Any chance we could just admit the robot?"

"Negative. Not even this Irken would be stupid enough to not notice when you started tinkering with that thing."

Sighing, Jas nodded. "Then he's rejected as well." Leaning back in her chair, she removed Liz's jump-drive and pocketed it. "No new members then. Meeting adjourned."

Liz nodded in agreement, following Jas out the door. Wearily, she eyed the bulge of her jump-drive in Jas's pocket. "I'm never going to get that back, am I?"

"So long as those pics of that hot for our school hot guy are on it? Never."

"Do you know what I had to go through to get those pictures?" Liz growled, opening the door for Jas.

They stepped into the chill fall night. Jas shivered, Liz didn't feel a thing.

"No idea," Jas admitted. "But I will once you show me."

Laughing, Liz bumped her elbow against Jas's, almost sending the girl into a tree. "Now who's the pervert?"

Jas stopped herself from falling and somehow became dignified enough to be able to shrug. "Dunno. But you better hope that boy never quits the Swollen Eyeball or you're going to be replaced so fast your head's going to spin."

Laughing more, Liz clapped Jas on the back, sending her into a pile of leaves then started running as the human got up and began chasing her, shouting angrily.

And up in a tree, Zim and Dib watched them go, eyebrows raised. "Weirdos," Zim muttered, leaning back on a tree branch.

Dib nodded in agreement, adjusting his flashlight so it illuminated his textbook better. "You know Zim, there's a library like fifty feet away that would be easier to study in."

"SILENCE! Zim likes the tree! If you have a problem, then go take your FILTHY meat body so some other location!"

Sighing, Dib shook his head. "Whatever.

* * *

_Hey... This isn't any of those stories that I mentioned earlier..._

_I'm a liar!!!!!_

_Sobs..._

_ Next up: Chocolate? (How many times have I promised this already??)  
_


	13. Pets

#15- Pets

* * *

At first Dib's heart jumped into his throat. "Bek. Oh God Sarah, did anything happen to-" 

"No! Sarah had screamed, causing Dib to jerk the phone away from his ear. "She's the cause of all this! Come get her now!" With that the phone had slammed down and Dib only heard dial tone.

Slowly, Dib set the phone back into the receiver. "Who was that, Dib-stink?" a familiar voice asked from behind him.

Dib turned to see Zim sitting at his kitchen table and his eyes narrowed. How the hell did the alien keep breaking into his apartment!? "It was Sarah," he growled, walking to the front door and grabbing his coat out of the closet.

"Ah, that horrible mate of yours. What did she want?"

"None of your business!" Dib shouted, struggling into his boots. "Get the hell out, don't touch anything, and for God's sake Zim, don't try to kill Spock!"

Zim's eyes narrowed at the mention of the cat's name. "Disgusting feline…" he muttered, fist clenching. "When will you be back?" he called after Dib as the human opened the front door.

"I don't know!" Dib growled, slamming the door shut behind him and making his way to the elevator.

"My evil plan can wait," Zim sighed, leaning back further into the wooden chair and putting his feet up on the table. Well this was boring. Zim had come for a grand adventure and battle. Not to waste time in the human's apartment by himself. Out of the corner of one eye Zim spotted Spock entering the room and taking a drink of water from a dish. He grinned widely. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty…"

-

-

Sighing heavily, Dib rang the doorbell felling nervous. He had just driven for almost twenty four hours straight, speeding the entire way, and now that he was actually here he didn't know what to do. What if something had happened? Whenever he had tried calling Sarah she had refused to give him answers. Instead she had demanded how long it was going to take him to get there and hung up without another word.

It wasn't like Sarah to be so brief. In the entire time he had known her, Sarah had always been one to carry one for hours instead of being curt and to the point. That more then anything else made him worry. However, since she had told Dib to come straight to the house instead of a hospital had slightly reassured him that nothing had happened to their daughter.

The door opened and Dib almost got a greeting out before Sarah forcefully shoved a suitcase into his stomach. "She's in her room," his ex-wife said shortly. "Take her and leave. I never want to see either of you ever again."

Dib's eyes widened as Sarah turned and stormed away, leaving the front door open. Take Bek? Just like that? After Sarah had spent thousands of dollars (all courtesy of Dib) fighting him tooth and nail in the legal system for Bek's custody? After Sarah had screamed and raged over the fact that Dib was even able to see his daughter on holidays? Just take her?

Picking up the small suitcase, Dib set it carefully by the door before stepping into the house. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

He found his ex-wife in the kitchen, chain-smoking with a large bottle of whiskey at her side. As he watched, she finished a cigarette, lit the new one with the end of the old, and took a long swig of whiskey, coughing after it went down. "Sarah…" he said gently, entering the room. "What's going on?"

Sarah looked up at him weakly, defeat in her eyes. "I can't take it anymore," she finally said, bowing her head and beginning to weep. "I just can't take it anymore. I divorced you to get away from all that, but now it's even worse then before!"

"Sarah-"

"Just take her Dib! Take her and get the hell out of my life!" She took a long drag on her cigarette and turned to stare into space. "I'll mail the rest of her stuff to you once you're both gone. But please Dib. Just take the little brat and go!"

Dib stared at his wife for another long moment then turned to go. "Alright," he sighed softly.

"Oh and Dib?" Sarah called as the man stepped out of the room. "Be sure to take those monsters of hers with you too."

Dib put the suitcase in his car, feeling a weight settle on his chest. Take her monsters too? What on earth had happened here? He slammed the trunk shut and leaned on his car. One Christmas Bek had arrived at the local airport in tears, throwing herself into his arms as soon as she got off the plane. After crying the entire car ride to his apartment, she had tearily told him that she had found a baby two headed dragon and that Mommy had made her get rid of it.

Sarah hated lizards. In fact, the woman hated all animals so the news of the loss of Bek's pet didn't really surprise him. What had surprised him was that Bek had managed to find a two headed lizard somewhere. But then again, Bek was always finding weird things like that. They had once gone to the park together, back when he and Sarah had just started having problems, and his daughter had managed to find a regular old red fox with three tails. She called it a kitsune. Dib knew it was some sort of horrible mutation, probably caused by all the chemicals in water these days, but since it was so passive he let Bek play with it a short time before bringing her home.

So what had Bek managed to find this time? Probably more mutated lizards since she had already found the one close to home. Or maybe she had brought home a bird or a rabbit with a broken leg or something. He hoped that whatever her new pet was that it wasn't too big or he would have problems with his landlord about it. That greedy bastard was already charging him an arm and a leg for the 'privilege' of keeping Spock in his apartment and he didn't want to have to pay more for whatever Bek may want to bring with them.

Caught up in his thoughts, Dib almost didn't notice the alien spacecraft hovering above him. However he did notice the roar as it started to land, a familiar figure jumping out before the craft had fully settled on the ground. "Zim!? What are you going here!?" he demanded, eyes narrowing.

"No time, human!" Zim shouted, running up and grabbing Dib by the shoulders. "You must come with me at once!"

Dib's eyes narrowed further as he noticed the many scratch and claw marks that adorned Zim's skin. "You jerk," he growled lowly. "You've been messing with Spock again, haven't you!?"

Zim let out a shout of frustration. "This is not the time to discuss that HORRIBLE feline's evil ways! You MUST come with me!"

"Why?" Dib demanded, taking a step back and eyeing Zim wearily. "You let loose some sort of doomsday device that needs to be stopped and I am the only one who can?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Dib-stink," Zim growled. "The event about to befall us is infinitely worse then any 'doomsday device.' The news is all over the Irken channels! The Resisty has somehow managed to destroy the Massive and the Almighty Tallest are missing!"

Blinking, Dib regarded the alien curiously. "How is that bad?" he asked. "That sounds like a good thing to me."

"RrrrrrRRRAGGGGH!" Zim screamed, yanking at his antenna in frustration. "You don't understand, Dib-stink! We must find them! Or at least one of them! Their escape pod was tracked to somewhere within this system and we must discover them before the Resisty does! Now get into my ship so we may go gather your ship and search!"

"No," Dib said, turning to walk back into the house. "I have other things to take care of, Zim."

"Mating with your woman can wait!"

Dib felt his face flush, and he turned upon the alien angrily. "That's not it, Zim! I have to pick up my daughter Bek so she can live with me. I don't have time to find your stupid leaders. In fact, I hope they're dead! If they are then Earth will be safe."

"But if the Tallest are not found, then the next Tallest Irken shall become ruler! We can't allow that to happen, so we must find them! You can bring the child-filth with you, but you must help me search!" Zim yelled, glaring at Dib.

"Why should I care who your new leader will be?" Dib demanded, crossing his arms.

Zim sighed, bowing his head and running a hand over his antenna. "Because the next in line for Tallest is me," the alien said, glaring at a spot on the floor.

Dib blinked at Zim. Then he blinked at him again while shifting his weight. He opened his mouth to speak, thought better of it, then uncrossed and re-crossed his arms. "You're the next Tallest?"

"Yes. Now do you understand why we must find my Almighty Tallest?"

"Oh yeah." Zim becoming the leader of a vast interplanetary system? That had the words 'Oh Shit This is Bad,' written all over it. "I'll get Bek and we'll go."

Nodding eagerly, Zim leapt into the cockpit of his Voot Cruiser and began warming up the engines. "Hurry Dib-stink! Time is of the essence!"

Running inside the house, Dib took the stairs two at a time while shouting Bek's name. The little girl met him at the top of the stairs and he knelt down, grabbing her hand and putting a rough kiss on her forehead. "Hey there sweetie," he said, panting slightly, "ready to go?"

Bek pouted and refused to look her father in the eyes. "I guess," she sighed unhappily.

"Great," Dib said, standing back up. "Come on, honey."

"Wait!" Bek said, pulling at her father's hand. "We gotta take my new pets with us!"

Oh lord, the new pets. The 'monsters' Sarah had told him about. "Mommy can send them to us later, baby. We have to go."

"No!" Bek said stubbornly. "Mommy hates them! She'll get rid of them if we leave without them!"

"Honey, you don't understand. We don't have room for your pets right now and we really have to go."

Still holding her hand tightly, Dib made a move to go down the stairs but Bek dug her heels into the ground and refused to move forward. "No!" she shouted again, kicking her father in the shins to make him let go. "I'm not leaving Reddy and Pur-Pur!" Free of her father's grip she ran down the hall and into her room. Dib followed, just in time to see his daughter throw himself into the arms of the tallest Irken he had ever seen and start sobbing.

The Irken glared at him with bright and clear purple eyes surrounded by dark… mascara? It looked like a demented clown had a field day on the much taller alien's face. Face almost painted white, dark red smudges around it's mouth and on it's cheeks… What had been going on here? "You better have a good reason for making her cry, alien filth," it spat, holding Bek tightly to its chest and stroking her hair as Bek cried into it's neck.

"For Irk's sake, Pur," a second Irken said from further into the room. Dib looked to see the purple Irken's twin done in red sprawled out on his daughters bed, staring with disinterest at a pop up book. If anything, this Irken was worse off. Its face was covered with badly drawn doodles that somewhat resembled flowers and butterflies."It cries at everything! It's not a big deal."

"It's totally a big deal!" the purple Irken shot back, turning to glare at his fellow alien. "It's just a smeet!"

"And smeets cry at everything."

"Well they wouldn't if they were happy!" the purple one shouted, then sniffed angrily. Angry expression melting away, he looked down at Bek and smiled softly. "Hey little, Earth-human? Wanna play with the puppets?"

Looking up at him, eyes red and puffy, Bek nodded as the tall Irken put her down. Capturing her small hand with his long fingers they walked together to one corner and sat down. Dib stood frozen in the doorway, staring until the red one sighed deeply and got off the bed. Walking over to the doorway he stood in front of Dib for a long moment, arms crossed. "You look familiar," it muttered, then shook its head in disgust. One of the butterflies seemed to flap its wings as he did so. "But all you humans look alike." With that it shut the door in Dib's face.

Dib stared at the white door for a long time then slowly turned and walked back down the stairs. Sarah was there, cigarette in hand. "You're still taking them all," she growled threateningly then marched back into the kitchen.

"Yeah… sure…" Dib said absently, making his way to the front door. Opening the door slowly, he shut it softly behind him before collapsing on the front steps. A crooked grin crossing his face, he stared blankly at his hands. This was…

"Dib-stink!?" Zim leapt down from his Voot Cruiser, running up to Dib and glaring down at him. "Where is your short offspring, human? We must be off at once!"

Shaking his head, Dib rested his head in his hands and began to laugh. This was… It was..

Growling in frustration, Zim grabbed Dib's shoulders and shook him while the human continued to laugh. "You stupid human!" he shouted. "Why have you not collected your offspring so we may go! My Tallest await us!"

Dib pulled away, shaking his head and laughing harder. "Upstairs," he choked out between sobs. "Upstairs…"

One eye larger then the other, Zim threw his hands up in disgust. "Fine! I will collect the worm-baby!" he shouted, brushing past Dib and throwing open the door. "But then we must go, Dib-stink!"

Dib laughed hysterically as Zim entered the building, tears streaking down his face as he heard Zim goose step up the stairs. Taking a deep breath, he managed to calm himself down long enough to hear the startled shout of "MY TALLEST!?" and "ZIM!!!????" come from upstairs before breaking down into hysterics again.

Only after hearing the sounds of crashing and shouts go on for more then five minutes was Dib able to wipe the tears from his eyes and get to his feet again. Still chuckling, Dib ascended the stairs to see what all the ruckus was about. He snorted loudly. His daughter had the strangest taste in pets…

* * *

_This story was inspired by my roomate's little cousins who I showed Invader Zim to in order to make them shut up. When watching 'Backseat Drivers' they said; "Man, I wish those dudes were babysitting us instead," while watching Red and Purple pig out on donuts. This led me to imangine how the two would be if they were completely OCC and babysitting some kid which led to the demented clown makeup which led to the obvious conclusion that Zim would have to catch them at it._

_This story's mystery questions: 1) How did Red and Purple crashland on Earth?_

_Answer: ALIEN MAGIC!!!!_

_2) Why are they even putting up with little Bek?_

_Answer: ALIEN MAGIC!!!! (and Purple is really really OCC so he adores children)_

_3) Why doesn't Zim want to become Tallest?_

_Answer: ALIEN MAGIC!!!! (Noticing a theme yet?)_

_4) What would Dib really do if he found the Tallest looking like that?_

_Answer: He'd attack them of course! With ALIEN MAGIC!!!! (Actually I'd like to think he'd laugh hysterically at them like I had him do...)_

_5) Why does Dib have a cat named Spock?_

_Answer: Because of ALIEN MAGIC and the fact that Star Trek is the shizznat and Spock is my homie._

_6) Why does Zim hate said cat?_

_Answer: Because of ALIEN MAGIC of course! Plus he's Zim! And it's a cat! It's like the two coolest things in the world going after each other!_

_7) How **does** Zim keep breaking into Dib's apartment._

_Answer: ALIEN MAGIC!!!! Plus I really wanted him there so I could do the "Here kitty, kitty, kitty," line._

_8) Speaking of that line, is poor Spock alright?_

_Answer: Of course he's alright! He's a cat named Spock! Poor Zim didn't have a chance against him..._

_Next up: Who knows? I hate to promise anything considering how random I've been feeling lately..._


	14. Friendship

#19- Friendship

* * *

They never stood a chance.

He overwhelmed their defenses, destroyed their offenses, blew through an airlock, and glowered at them as they trembled. Eyes narrow, antenna erect, claws spread, every inch of him was the epitome of the fearsome Irken warrior. They were right to cower before him! Of course they tried to beg his pardon and plead and pretend they didn't know their offenses, but he silenced that with a snort. "You have something that belongs to me," he growled and their eyes widened.

They didn't argue, didn't protest, only led him down to the holding cells without a word. When the trembling fool that led him took too long to open the door he ripped it off its hinges and threw it down the hall. The fools turned and fled.

Out of the cell stepped Dib who stared at the alien with slack jawed surprise on his face. Zim inspected the human carefully with his eyes, judging what ills had befallen him in his captivity. The human was dirtier then the last time he'd seen him, clothes ripped, hair all askew. A little thinner then before he also sported a bruise that almost covered half his face, swelling up so badly he couldn't see out of his left eye. But it was a far cry different then what Zim had imagined on his way to the ship. There was no choking sobs or rotting wounds or last gasping breaths so the alien sighed. It wasn't in relief, mind you, it was just a sigh. Maybe a sigh of disappointment since none of those horrible things had happened to the Dib, but nothing else.

"Z-Zim!?" The human seemed to have finally found his voice. "What are you doing her-"

CRACK!

Zim slapped the human. It was a hard slap, one that sent the Dib to the ground, vision blurring, clutching at the three long gashes Zim's claws had given him. Perhaps it had been too hard, the alien reflected, for the human made no real attempt to get back to his feet so Zim was forced to go to him. Grabbing the human by the back of his trench coat, claws digging in and through the soft leather, he began to drag the human back to the airlock where his ship waited.

The human recovered midway there, and the rest of the journey was spent with Zim dragging a shouting, struggling, protesting, and swearing male down the halls. Never giving him time to find his feet and stand, Zim unceremoniously tossed Dib into his ship and forcefully buckled the human into the seat he'd jury-rigged in the cruiser just for him. Then, after letting loose a rain of laser fire to make sure those fools never did something like this again, he blasted them both into space.

They were passing Neptune when the human finally stopped shouting and struggling, and finally calmed down enough to start pouting. "You didn't have to hit me like that," he muttered sullenly.

Eyes narrowing and gazing straight ahead, Zim didn't care to grace that comment with a reply.

Sighing heavily, Dib settled more comfortably into his seat and crossed his arms. "So why did you come rescue me anyway?" he asked, staring at a random spot on the wall.

Silence filled the pod.

Dib looked over at the alien. "Zim? Are you sick or something?"

More silence.

"I mean, you haven't said a word this entire time. That's not like you." This was true, usually the alien was always raving about something even if it was just to himself. In this situation Dib fully expected Zim to start raving about how pathetic the human was, and how he could never measure up to even the most pathetic of Irkens, and not to touch anything, and how much better Irken technology was, and any number of other things. When the alien continued to say nothing, Dib frowned, a concerned look crossing his face. "Did Gaz rip out your vocal cords or something?"

"The Gaz-sister has nothing to do with this," Zim finally growled, punching away at the computer consol even though the coordinates for Earth were already set and there was nothing more to do.

Dib snorted in disbelief. "Right. Look Zim, just because you got bullied into saving your worst enemy by a little girl doesn't mean you have to-"

"SHUT UP!" Zim shouted, leaping up on his feet and turning around so he could see the human over the back of his chair. "You have NO idea what you've done!"

Glaring, slightly relieved that things were getting back to normal, Dib shot back, "I know perfectly well what I've done! Those stupid aliens told me every time they dragged me off that this was all because I broadcasted that Metallica CD into space and-"

Zim interrupted the human again by plunging his claws into his seat and ripping out a chunk of stuffing before tearing it to shreds. "That had nothing to do with this!" he yelled. "Those STUPID Florgians have nothing to do with this! It's just you! It's all YOUR FAULT!"

"What is?" Dib asked a little breathlessly, his face going pale. Oh God… What could have happened?

Not bothering to reply, Zim whirled back around, sitting back in his seat so Dib could only see the tips of his antenna. "You weren't there," he finally said after a long moment.

"Weren't there? Weren't there for what!?"

"Weren't there to stop me of course!"

Dib felt his heart stop. No… "You… You destroyed Earth?"

Slapping himself on the forehead, Zim whirled around again. "NO YOU STUPID WORM-BABY! You weren't there! My most BRILLIANT evil plan and you never came to stop me! I waited for you. I waited for you for a WEEK and you NEVER CAME! I think you're dead and go to the Gaz to find out who destroyed you and she tells me that you were ABDUCTED! ABDUCTED!!! You pissed off some STUPID aliens from who cares where, got abducted, and you were too STUPID to escape yourself so you could come STOP ME!!!"

Blinking up at Zim while the alien panted for breath after his rant, Dib clocked his head to one side. "So, the Earth is safe, right?"

"Yes," Zim sighed.

"And your evil plan?"

The alien glared at him. "The window for that opportunity ended two days ago. It cannot be completed."

Victory for Earth! Dib almost shouted those words, but the look on Zim's face told him he'd probably be thrown out of the ship if he did. "So why did you save me?"

"Weren't you listening! You never came!!"

Dib blinked. "So you saved me so I could stop you?"

"YES!"

"That seems kinda… weird. I mean, you do still want to destroy the Earth, right?"

Zim's chest swelled up with pride. "It's my mission."

"And I'm the only thing that stands in your way, right?"

"That's correct, Dib-stink."

"So why save the one person you need to get rid of to complete your mission? Because I wasn't there?"

"Exactly."

"Oh. Okay."

Pleased, that Dib had finally gotten it, Zim sat back down and pretended to be doing something that needed to be done. Dib stayed quiet, thinking, until they got to where Mars had once been then cleared his throat to attract Zim's attention. "So does this mean we're friends?"

"Human, I will slowly **_rip_ **out your organs _**one by one**_ and _**feed**_ them to you if I ever hear such _**nonsense**_ out of your stink-hole _**ever again**_."

"Okay," Dib said, but he grinned the rest of the trip home. He even managed to stay smiling when Zim tried to throw him into the electric fence outside of his home before the alien flew off in disgust.

It felt good to be needed.

* * *

_I should be studying for my Highway Design Midterm right now..._

_Next up: Yeah... I don't know why I'm trying to predict that anymore...  
_


	15. Tears

#17- Tears

_The stupid humans have water everywhere…_

* * *

"Help me get this filth off," he says and she obeys, pushing the white roses off the casket to fall and be ground into the mud that surrounds the grave. They clear the casket until it's bare of its earthly decorations and plain and black again. Its just a box now. Just a black oblong box just like any other that may be found beneath the soil in this plain graveyard. But it holds the world inside of it.

Her hand is in his as they step back to allow the others to approach first. It starts to rain, but they're all prepared. Umbrellas have been supplied and the force field generator is already set up when the first raindrops begin to fall. "He was the same age as you when I met him," he says, finally breaking the silence.

The Tallest stand by the grave, heads bent slightly and together they drop the treaty down on the casket. Then they sigh heavily and walk beneath shelter to allow the procession to go on. "What was he like?"

He's silent for a long moment, watching Lard Narr drop a Moon Flower on the casket. "He was short," his lip twitches for a moment in a tight lipped smile, "and he had a big head."

They both stare at the casket as if expecting a muffled protest to come from it.

The procession goes on, each alien pausing by the casket long enough to drop some memento or precious thing upon it before going to join the Tallest under their tent.

It's the second funeral she's been to today, both for the same man, but this time she doesn't feel like crying. Instead she holds his hand tighter and looks up at him. "Tell me more about him."

He sighs, head bowing. "What's there to say? He was human. End of story."

They both know that's a lie. He was so much more then human.

The procession ends. Everyone leaves except them. Finally, he steps forward on his own and kneels by the coffin, both hands on the casket he stares at it as if he can't comprehend what's in front of him. She watches him as caresses the dark wood, his face a mask of pain. "There's nothing left for me on this planet now," she hears him mutter. "Nothing left at all…"

A hand rests on her shoulder and she jumps slightly, surprised by it. Purple is staring down at her, Red at his side. "Let's go home," the violet eyed Tallest says gently, gripping her shoulder.

"But what about Zi-"

"He'll be fine," Red interrupts, his hand reaching over to pull her with them.

She looks back for a moment, watching the alien's body slowly begin to shake, clear liquid coursing down his face. "But he's crying!"

Both Tallest have a hand on each shoulder and now they're gently steering her towards the waiting spacecraft for them. "You're mistaken," Red says shaking his head slowly.

"It's just the rain," Purple finishes the lie and then they're inside the craft and heading back to the Massive and leaving without planet Earth ever knowing they were there.

* * *

_I'm not happy with this at all. I wanted something that showed how much Dib meant to the aliens (while still meaning nothing to Earth) and the classic Japanese "I'm not crying, it's the rain" but it just wouldn't come to me. Stupid muse! (shake fist!)_

_The little girl in this fic is probably Bek (Dib's daughter from Pets) so consider this a sequel or an epilogue of sorts. No, I have no idea why or where the Tallest are taking her or what they're planning to do. I just needed someone to take her away so Zim could mourn and didn't want to bother introducing a new character or have a human do it. This was the alien's goodbyes, mankind's was already over._

_Bleck, bleck, bleck. I feel bad about posting this garbage. Hopefully something better will come to me and it'll be revised, but until then I dub this fic on the same level as Ears and Telephone. The level of "Definitely not my best and it should have been better."_


	16. Hero

#21- Hero

_We had a hero once…_

* * *

Hi.

You don't know me, but that doesn't matter now anyway. You see, I need you to do me a favor.

Please, don't go! Don't turn and walk away. I need you to do this. You're the only one who can and this is important, very important. More important then that mission of yours.

Heh. I knew you would be surprised. Yes, I know that you're an alien and I know all about your mission too. I know that you came here to wipe my species from the face of this planet. I know that it's time, that your masters are here waiting to start the devastation.

Stop laughing. I'm not here to beg for my life or for that of my fellow men. It's not like that. I'm not like that. You see, I'm here to tell you a story. Don't worry, it won't take long, but please listen to it carefully. It's very important.

Are you listening to me?

Good.

Once upon a time there was a hero. He wasn't like the heros you see on TV or read about in the papers, this hero was not famous. Nor was he strong or handsome. But he was very, very brave. So brave that our hero saw the things we refused to acknowledge and tried to protect us from them.

You see, we always knew you were there. You don't believe me, but let me assure you that it's true. From the moment your ship shook our neighborhood apart we knew that you were an alien. I mean, you didn't do a very good job of blending in, now did you? Please don't deny it. You made a terrible human.

So why didn't we dissect you? Good question. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I guess it was because we were afraid. Our lives were comfortable before you came, we lived mundanely all our days. Your arrival was just too different for us to take. It promised too much adventure and we've learned that with adventure comes pain and headache and heartbreak. We're not a stupid race, but we're afraid. So afraid that we're willing to do anything in our power to ignore that which is right in front of our faces.

But the hero was different. He saw you for what you were but unlike us he didn't look away. He raised the alarm and tried to do something and we ignored him. I wonder if things would have been different if we had let him know we had listened.

I live on the path between your houses. I've seen your marches to victory and retreats from defeat. I've seen you take monsters to our heros home and be defeated. I've seen our hero slink to your base and come back bruised and broken. Once, the hero collapsed in front of my home, moaning in pain. You had broken his arm. Do you remember that day? He escaped you though and while staggering home he collapsed on the sidewalk and I watched him until I could bear it no longer and shut all the windows fast against his pain.

It's not something I am proud of.

I was so afraid.

I thought that if I helped him, then maybe I would get caught up in your terrible battles as well. I'm not a hero, but he was. He was just a little boy, but he was a hero in all the ways I could never be. And like the coward I am I shut the curtains against him and pretended I wasn't home until he gathered himself up enough to move on.

And it kept happening.

We could have stepped in to help him at any time, but we left our poor hero for the wolves, for you, to prey on and tear him piece by little piece. We left him to fight and bleed on his own, turning blind eyes to his wounds and deaf ears to his cries for help. When he tried to warn us we ignored him and when his shouts became too loud we mocked him until he was silent. Our defense was him. We were his cross to carry and carry us he did.

How many years did he manage to keep us safe from you?

Won't answer that question, will you?

Well it was five years, six months, and fifteen days.

You're surprised again. You shouldn't be. I told you that we had known all along. But you didn't believe me until just then, didn't you? It's alright. We wouldn't believe him either.

I suppose you know the rest of the story well enough that I don't have to tell you how it goes. Our hero was our great shield and protector. No matter what you did, no matter what you said, you couldn't break him.

So we broke him for you.

I'm not proud of that either. How as one we all turned from him and gave him his final refusal. For years you had tried to break his spirit. In minutes we had broken his soul.

I'll never forget the look in his eyes. The sudden realization that we had been using him all this time, stringing him along with shadows and lies and that we would never take up his cause and help him. That he was alone. So terribly alone. We hurt him, abandoned him, and this is why we deserve everything that we get.

I don't blame him for any of this.

If I was he, I probably would have done the same exact thing.

It still hurts that he left us. You see, even after everything we had done to him, we didn't expect him to leave us. He was our hero. We thought he would be more noble and grand then we ever could be and protect us to the very end. We forgot that he was only a little boy. Maybe we should have made a greater effort to remember that.

He left, we lost our champion, and suddenly you were able to succeed. The battle ship in orbit over our planet is proof of your victory. In a moment, after I've let you leave, you'll go up and join them. Maybe you'll laugh as they wipe us from existence or maybe you'll silently watch us go. In any case, it's only fair that I warn you…

…We're going to make you earn it.

You've always been right. Humans are more like animals then an advanced species. When we're cornered we fight for our lives with ferocity like a madman's. And we've never been this cornered before. Every life you take, every battle you win is going to cost you. We're going to fight harder then anything you've ever seen and once it's all over you're only going to be able to sit back and be amazed at our last stand.

But I digress. I didn't find you here to warn you of the upcoming battle. I came to ask you a favor, a favor that needs to be done.

He's out there, isn't he? Our hero. When he left us behind he went looking for the acceptance we could never give him. He went looking among the stars for his proper home, didn't he?

Even though you refuse to answer, I know that it's true. He's out there somewhere. And you're going after him.

Please find him.

It's important that you find him. So important that I don't even have words to tell you what it would mean to me. You must find him and when you do, please remember this promise to me. You must promise to tell him this. Earth's final message.

Tell him we're sorry. Just that, only that. Just that we're sorry.

Do you promise to tell him?

Thank you. You don't know what this means to us, you really don't.

Good luck.

Goodbye.


	17. Halloweeen

#XX- Halloween

_Trick or Treat till the neighbor's gonna die with fright..._

* * *

"You see, you gotta help us Dib! We're never gonna win without you!" 

Dib eyed his roommate wearily, pulling his pillow tight against his body. "I don't know, Mack," he sighed. "I don't know anyone at Theta Tau."

"Then it'll be a great way to meet the fellows there!" Mack said earnestly, pleading in his eyes. "Come on, Dib, be a pal! I told the president I would bring a friend to mind the keg and with Erik you know, in the hospital or dead or something, you're the only one I know that doesn't drink!"

Now that sounded like a reason to come. An invitation to go baby-sit a metric shit load of drunken, staggering, frat boys in Halloween costumes? Who wouldn't want to come!? Dib rolled his eyes before nodding shortly. "Fine, I'll do it," he grumbled feeling disappointed that this would be the only way he'd be invited to a party like this.

"Woot!" Mack cheered, pumping one fist in the air. "You totally won't regret this man! Party!!!! PARTTTYYYY!!!!!"

Dib rolled his eyes and collapsed back onto his bed, covering his face with his pillow. He regretted it already...

-

-

**_That night..._**

"Okay, let's review," the giant human shaped bumblebee said, leaning back and popping a piece of stolen candy into her mouth. "We've created the greatest Halloween costumes known to man."

"Check," the huge alien by her side said, putting a check by that item on the list and resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Really. The greatest costumes known to man? Jas had made herself a costume of a stupid bloated insect and refused to be referred to anything but Mindy while she had simply turned off her hologram and removed her itchy wig for once. But it wouldn't do to argue with Jas so Liz didn't.

"We stole candy from small children."

"A very delicious check."

"Scared a group of toddlers until they cried."

"A hilariously funny check."

"And we've toilet papered the homes of three professors and egged the house of the dean."

"And a juvenile delinquency at it's greatest, check."

"Now what?"

"Well, according to the sacred Halloween list of Bubba-Tut, all that remains is watching _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ and gate crashing some Frat's charity party and stealing their cash," Liz said, handing over the list so Jas could see it herself.

"Decisions, decisions," Jas muttered, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Well, let's go walk Frat Row until we find one that looks somewhat interesting."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

-

-

**_Theta Tau_**

Dib rolled his eyes, as a drunken zombie and werewolf knocked over a lamp while still making out. Why had he agreed to do this again? That's right. There was no reason! Mack had somehow just peer pressured him into this and it was dumb and stupid!

"Hey Mistah," an elementary skool student dressed as a fairy princess said, pulling on one of the bandages that hung from Dib's mummy costume. "Can I's have a beer pwease?"

Glaring down at the child, Dib prepared a mental speech about the importance of drinking responsibly and how he had to card her before realizing that he really didn't care. "Knock yourself out, kid," he growled, abandoning his post by the keg and shoving through the crowd until he was outside. He walked until the music blasting from the party was soft enough that he could think again before flopping down under a tree and pulling his legs up to his chest. "Shoulda gone over to Zim's and harassed him about the Halloweenies," he muttered darkly. "That's always good for a laugh."

"Theta Tau?" Two people were walking down the sidewalk nearby the taller of the two apparently giving suggestions while the smaller one shot them down.

"Too boring."

"Kappa Kappa Kappa?"

"Changed the theme to 'Pony Princesses' like they do every year."

"Delta Phi Tau?"

Dib waited until he couldn't hear them anymore before starting to talk to himself again. He had never gotten over his habit of talking to himself out loud, but he had at least trained himself to do it only when other people weren't in listening distance. "Don't wanna go back in," he growled to himself. "But promised Mack that I would watch the keg… But I don't want to… But he's my roommate and I should do something to get along with him… But he's a jerk who leaves his dirty socks on my bed and never cleans…"

So absorbed by his thoughts the sudden screeching hiss of a microphone's feedback made Dib jump and look up for the source of the sound. His eyes immediately fell on the bright throbbing lights of purple, green, and white that were coming from down the street. An eyebrow raising, Dib was going to sit back down and start talking to himself again when a voice suddenly shouted out loudly over the neighborhood. It was a familiar voice. A voice that sent a shiver down Dib's spine. "PITIFUL EARTH HUMANS!" the voice screamed. "Come to the party of ZIM so that I may become LORD AND MASTER of you all!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Zim!?" Dib shouted, leaping to his feet and racing down the sidewalk. He tore through a pair of walking girls, ignoring their protests before coming to a halt before one of the Frat houses, his eyes going wide. "Woah…"

-

-

**_A moment before…_**

"Delta Phi Tau?"

"Not enough booze zombies for my amusement."

Liz sighed heavily, glaring down at her short companion. "Look Jas, you've shot down just about every Frat and Sorority on campus. What exactly are you looking for?"

"I don't know," Jas replied, slowing down so she could look up at the stars. "You know, maybe we should just change our plans altogether this year. We finished that tunnel so we can get the ship out without destroying a building, maybe we should just take off for a day or two and spend Halloween in space."

"You have an exam tomorrow, don't you?"

"Thermo," Jas confirmed, her face going dark. "How I hate that class…"

"Well, besides the 'day or two' bit I think testing out the ship is a good idea," Liz said smiling brightly. "We can download our movies onto the main memory drive, turn off the gravity, and have fun eating popcorn in Zero-G."

"Now you're speaking my language," Jas laughed as the metallic scream of a microphone's backlash cut through the air. Both girls clamped their hands over their ears, Liz's eyes tearing up as her sensitive ears rang from the noise.

"PITIFUL EARTH HUMANS!" a voice suddenly screamed from up ahead. "Come to the party of ZIM so that I may become LORD AND MASTER of you all!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"What the…" Liz muttered, straightening as the amplified voice ended. She turned to ask Jas something but was stopped when a mummy costumed figure burst between them, nearly knocking Jas over as he ran. "Hey!" Liz shouted, diving to grab onto Jas before she hit pavement. "Watch where you're going, you jerk!"

"That's it," Jas growled as Liz set her back on her feet. "We're totally going to space. None of these jerks deserve to be graced with our presence."

Hands in fists, Jas stalked down the sidewalk, Liz following close behind until they reached the last Frat house on the block and Liz suddenly froze. "No way…" the large blue alien girl gasped out in surprise. "Jas! Jas look!"

Pausing in her angry march, Jas glanced up at the flashing purple, green, and white lights with disinterest. "So?" she growled, going to walk on.

Liz grabbed her shoulder, picking up the shorter girl and holding her so she had to look at the house. "Look!"

Jas looked. "At what? The slightly above average party with the weird lights?"

Rolling her eyes, Liz shook the human slightly. "Look harder! Look at the shape! That's not one of the usual Frat houses! And the colours! Don't those colours look familiar!?"

"Put me down!" Jas growled, kicking her feet in the air. "Of course those lights look familiar! Those are the colours I chose for our shi-" She froze, eyes snapping over to take in the suddenly familiar shape of unearthly architecture. Her eyes narrowed into angry little slits. "Someone's going to pay for this."

-

-

_**Inside the spaceship Mir…**_

Zim grinned widely as the long line of students waiting to get in only became longer and longer. Foolish Earth students! Did they not know that their very presence, their every donation of Earth 'cash' was leading to their downfall!? Soon, very soon, he would have won this PATHETIC Earth contest and the 'student council' would hand control of this kollege to Zim! And then... The next stage of his plan was so brilliant it gave him goosebumps... And then, once the total control of this kollege was his he would force all the students to become worker drones under him. They would design weapons and once he had stockpiled enough he would use the FOOLISH Earth students to take over the world!!!

...Okay, so it wasn't his greatest plan. But it was the best he could up with considering all the stressful exams this stupid skool put him through! It was even worse then the Irken Academy with all it's exams...

Heh, everyone was a critic.

But to understand the sheer brilliance of Zim's plan a little back story is required.

-

-

**_Flashback... Two days ago..._**

It had started out a normal day. Hideous Earth birds were singing while the hideous Earth sun shone in the sky. And then... Disaster struck.

Walking along, minding his own business, Zim was suddenly struck in the face with a piece of paper! The horror! Zim looked about for the cause of this terrible attack, but found no culprit in sight. But then... he read the flier...

**GO GO GO! (it read)**

**JOIN THE 5TH ANNUAL HALLOWEEN CHARITY DRIVE!**

**THROW THE BEST PARTY, GET THE MOST CASH**

**AND WIN!!!!!1!!!**

**FIRST PLACE GETS A SEAT AS PRESIDENT ON STUDENT COUNCIL!!!**

**(Please, please someone join student council! It gets lonely being here all by myself!)**

Despite the evil plan that tickled the back of his brain, Zim crumpled up the paper and threw it over his shoulder. What use was it to throw a 'party' for these filthy Earth creatures? Besides, even if he did want to throw a Halloween party, he had no place to have it. There was no way he was going to invite a large group of students into his base after all.

Caught up in his thoughts, Zim didn't even notice the tunnel until he had walked into it and crashed into the object stored at it's far end. Opening his mouth to shout, he froze as he caught sight of the large alien spacecraft that shone in the dim light before him.

To many this would seem to be a far-fetched plot device to get some semblance of plot into a rather silly story. To Zim this was the beginning of an evil plot... The best evil plot EVER!

-

-

**_End Flashback_**

"Zim!"

The alien's head jerked up to see the Dib panting before him, and Zim smiled widely. "Well hello Dib!" he cooed innocently. "Here to join my little party?"

Dib's eyes narrowed. "I don't know what you're planning Zim, but I'm going to put a stop to it, you here me! I will!"

"It's for charity!" Zim continued on, completely unfazed by Dib's words. "And look! I'm holding my party in this strange alien spacecraft I found while wandering around campus!"

"You found this?" Dib asked, looking around what he could see of the spacecraft with awe in his eyes. "Just like that?"

Zim nodded. "I have snacks too!" he tempted, pointing past the hopping dance floor to the far wall.

Eyes darting from Zim, to the space ship, to the snack bar and back, Dib finally seemed to come to a decision. "How much?" he growled.

"For you, Dib? Twenty of your Earth dollars."

"Twenty bucks!?" Dib yelled, reaching into his pockets for the money. "That's highway robbery!" But he pony upped the cash anyway. Walking into the main room the human looked torn between gushing at the alien technology that covered the walls and trying to figure out what Zim was up to. "I-I'm going to stop you, Zim! I-I am!"

"Of course you are," Zim said soothingly as he waved. "Enjoy yourself, Dib-stink." The alien turned to smile at the two newest arrivals to his party. "Greetings stinky Earth-beasts. Ten Earth dollars each to get in."

The bumblebee clad girl along with her companion in the rather convincing Moriokain costume glared at Zim murderously but handed over the money without complaint. They went in too, immediately heading towards a side passage. Zim watched them go with a smile on his face. Yes, soon he would have collected all the monies these humans had to over and student council would be his! And with all of student council came the campus! And with that, the world!!!

-

-

**_Central Control Room..._**

"I'm setting off the fire sprinklers," Jas said, sliding into a plush chair and flipping monitors on left and right. Her hands flew over the keyboard as she typed. "You go and see if this works."

Liz nodded and left the room, her face dark. They had to get these intruders off their precious ship no matter what!

-

-

**_Main Dance Floor..._**

"Hmm, this is pretty good," Dib muttered to himself, biting into the chicken kabob he'd found at the snack bar. "I wonder where Zim got the recipe..." Taking another bite, Dib suddenly froze and tossed the food away in horror. This was Zim he was talking about! The alien! There was no way that the food he had been eating came from an Earth recipe! In fact, there was no way to tell if the food was even made out of Earth products!

What if the food was poisoned!? Sure, that sounded like a pretty low thing, but Zim might be desperate enough to sink that low. Dib felt sick just thinking about it. Oh God, he had been poisoned! He was dying, he was dying, he was-

"Out of the way, twerp," something big and female and blue growled, shoving Dib aside to survey the crowded room better. As if he wasn't even there, the girl brought her watch up to her mouth and began speaking into it. "It's not working. No water in sight."

Dib eyed her angrily, scrambling to his feet and brushing his trench coat off. "And they say I'm crazy," he muttered, watching the girl continue to talk to her watch. He turned to go, but a side passage caught his eye and he couldn't help but go down it. Unlike the main dance floor, this passage was completely deserted and Dib felt his heart race because of it. Maybe this would help lead him to discover whatever Zim's evil plan was? He hoped so.

There was a sudden onslaught of shouts and the sound of running water from behind him, but Dib managed to force himself to keep going instead of turning around. Whatever Zim's plan was it probably couldn't be found with so many people around. Knowing Zim it would be carefully hidden, guarded in some side room where it wouldn't be disturbed.

A door up ahead was slightly open and Dib peeked inside. There, hunched over a keyboard and typing furiously was a dark figure who shook their head and swore as Dib watched. "What do you mean it's not working!?" the figure demanded to nothing. "It's the freaking sprinklers! People are supposed to leave when the sprinklers go off!" There was a long pause and then the figure shook their head again. "No, I haven't seen _Rejected_, but what does that have to do with anything!?"

Dib held his breath and leaned in forward in hopes he could see more. Who was this strange person at the computer terminal? What was their connection to Zim? If he could just figure this out then...

"You know, it's not nice to spy," a delicate female voice hissed in Dib's ear.

Dib jerked around to catch a glimpse of something huge and blue before being shoved into the partially open door to the feet of the hunched over computer figure. The figure blinked down at the human blankly, amber coloured eyes gazing into his own. Looking up, the figure looked over to the giant blue thing that was now closing the door behind them. "What's he doing here?" it asked in perfect unaccented English.

"He's an intruder," the blue thing said and now that Dib had a better look at her he wished he had brought a camera. Tall, with almost impossibly broad shoulders, the blue alien was staring down at him from a surprisingly human looking face. One large sky blue hand was resting on surprisingly narrow hips and Dib realized that her arms had an extra joint giving her a total of four elbows.

"I know he's an intruder!" the hunched figure said, throwing up small five fingered hands in exasperation. "We have hundreds of intruders! Touching, pawing, drinking, disgusting intruders who won't get off my ship!" This alien, if anything, looked more normal then the blue one. Her form and figure was almost entirely human with a very human face. The only thing that really let Dib know her alien origins were her large solid amber coloured eyes and the fact that her body seemed to closely resemble that of a bee's complete with iridescent wings on her back.

"I mean he's an intruder, intruder!" the blue alien sighed. "He was spying on you!"

"Oh," the bee alien glared down at him. "Well that's just plain rude. Computer, get rid of this intruder in as embarrassing and potentially harmful manner possible!"

"Hey!" Dib shouted, trying to scramble to his feet as dark tendrils plunged from the ceiling to grab him. They wrapped around his body just like the ones at Zim's base always did and hauled him up into the air. "You won't get away with this!" he shouted, shaking his fist at the two aliens. "I'll stop you from taking over the- Wait… Are you trying to take over the world?"

"No," the large blue alien said dryly. "We're trying to get our ship back from that green freak with a Napoleon complex."

"And then we're going to watch DVDs," the bee alien said. "Good ones. But that doesn't matter now. Computer, complete program!"

Dib gave a shout of panic as the computer's tendril's tightened around him, but his fears were short lived. Instead of throwing him out, they quickly dropped him to the ground before starting the shake uncontrollably. "Alert!" a mechanized voice shouted. "Someone is messing with my memory banks!"

"WHAT!?" both aliens shouted.

The bee alien started pulling at her pom-pom like antenna. "Who would do something like that!?"

-

-

**_In the Central Memory room…_**

"Dude!" Drunken Frat Boy #65 laughed, ripping out memory blocks. He was joined by his friends Drunken Frat Boy #23 and Hopelessly Gigglefied Sorority Girl #87. "I'm so glad alcohol has taken away all thoughts of leaving alone someone else's personal property! Let's jut rip out these 8-tracks like we're not aware that there could be horrible side effects!"

"Dude!" his two friends shouted in agreement.

-

-

**_Back with Dib…_**

"No! Computer!" Jas sobbed, clinging to the still shaking tendrils. "Don't leave me! Be strong!"

"W-w-w-w-w-w-Will I dream?" the computer stammered out as the tendrils slowly stopped. "Daaaisy… Daaaaaiiiisssssssyyyyyy…"

Liz gently rested her hand on Jas's shoulder as the human continued to cry. "Don't worry," she said soothingly. "We can fix it."

"Well of course we can fix it!" Jas said, looking up her face dry. "It's a freaking computer!" Standing, she stretched and looked pleased. "I'm just glad my program worked!"

"What program?"

"You know, the 'daisy daisy' bit."

Both Liz and Dib stared at Jas blankly. "You programmed your computer to have a death keel?" Dib asked.

"Of course! Now Liz! Grab the intruder and throw him out!"

"Wait!" Dib shouted as the blue alien moved to grab him. "I can help you!"

"Help us?" Liz questioned, her eyes narrowing. "How could you help us?"

"Well, this is your ship right? I can help you get all the people out!"

Liz and Jas exchanged look. "I somehow doubt that," Jas said, glaring. "We already tried turning on the sprinklers. Now it's time for more drastic measures. Like fire."

"You don't have to go to that!"

"Then what do you suggest?" Liz asked, her tone full of doubt.

Dib smiled at her, his eyes glinting darkly. "Have you ever heard of the Spooky Realm?"

-

-

**_Later..._**

"I don't think that this is a good idea, Jas," Liz hissed to her friend as they watched Dib use chalk to create an elaborate design on their wall. "I mean, I think that this is a really, really bad idea."

"How so?" Jas hissed back, her eyes still trained on Dib. "If he's right this'll get rid of all those intruders with only minimal bloodshed."

"Yeah, but he's going to summon a demon!"

"So?"

"So I don't know what demons are like on Earth, but where I come from they're not really something you want to deal with."

"I'd imagine Earth demons are the same."

"Then why are we letting him do this!?"

Jas didn't answer. She just stared intently at Dib as he bent over to finish his drawing.

Liz slapped a hand against her face. Oh. That was why.

Grinning widely, Dib turned around, wiping red chalk off on his mummy costume. "You see, my plan works a little like this," he said proudly. "Every October 31st the wall between our realm and the Spooky realm thins and allows integration between the two worlds. This is why we have so many stories about monsters that appear on this day."

"So you're going to take advantage of that and summon a demon here?" Liz asked dryly.

"Yes! I mean no. I mean, not exactly... I'm not exactly going to summon a demon per se, I've just thinned the wall between our two worlds in this location so that the chances that something from the Spooky Realm falling through is increased."

"Yeah. I'm going to get out of here," Liz muttered, turning to go.

"Wait!" Jas shouted, her eyes widening as she dove for Liz's arm. "Look!"

Dib turned and took a step back, his grin widening. "It worked!" he cheered catching sight of a dark black mist slowly beginning to take form. It intensified and grew solid until a great black form with glowing red eyes stood before them. Slowly, the form seemed to look around, it's gaze lingering upon the three life forms before it as it's mouth split in a great smile filled with razor sharp looking white teeth. Dib felt himself shudder and take another step back at the thing's smile. "Maybe that wasn't such a great idea."

"Fear me, mortals!" the black form hissed in a voice like molten iron. It slowly stalked towards them as they backed up, spreading it's arms as it did. "I am the one that men fear to speak the name of! I am the one who haunts your nightmares late at night! I am... Zubon Rei!** The Pants Phantom**!"

Everyone stopped their backpedaling to stare at the creature blankly.

"Pants Phantom?" Dib asked, an eyebrow raising. "Did he just say Pants Phantom?"

With a cruel chuckle, Zubon Rei fell upon Dib. As the human began to scream Liz grabbed Jas, shoving the human behind her before wrenching a pipe from above and brandishing it like a mace. When the phantom was done with Dib, she was ready for it. Striking out, she hit the creature upon the temple and then dove for it. Claws and fists were everywhere as they struggled for survival against the other.

Unnoticed by their grand battle, Jas darted around them to grab Dib's hand as he lay on the ground, unmoving. "Dib?" she whispered lowly, squeezing his hand tightly. "Dib are you alive?" The human didn't seem to have any wounds, but when dealing with a being from another dimension there was more then just wounds to worry about. Reaching over she lightly slapped the boy's face. "Dib, answer me! Are you alive?"

Dib moaned, his eyes slowly fluttering open. "Bee alien," he whispered and Jas realized that she had never even told the poor kid her name.

"Yes Dib?" Jas asked, her eyes slowly filling with tears. She resisted the urge to rip out her full eye contacts. While it did tint everything yellow and would make it hard to cry, she didn't want to miss Dib's last words either.

"It... It..."

Jas leaned in further. "Yes Dib?"

"It stole my pants."

There was a pregnant pause.

"Yes. Yes it did, Dib."

Grabbing the phantom by the shoulders, Liz gave out a mighty roar before sending the creature out of the room with a mighty kick to the seat of the pants. Wiping the sweat from her brow, Liz turned to face her two comrades. "How's the kid?" she asked seeing Dib slowly stir and sit up.

"Pantless, but otherwise fine," Jas said. Her face seemed unnaturally tight with effort and Liz briefly wondered if the human was trying to stop herself from laughing or crying.

"Is that all it does?" Liz demanded, gesturing to the door. "It steals people's pants!?"

"Apparently so," Dib said, standing and checking himself over carefully. "Yeah, that's what it looks like."

Liz gave a sigh of disgust before eying Dib, a smirk crossing her face. "Well I guess this answers the ol' boxers or briefs question for you, now doesn't it?"

Dib flushed brightly, his hands shooting down to cover up his yellow and white smiley face boxers. "Shut up!" he growled, feeling his ears heat up.

"What?" Liz demanded, managing to look hurt. "I didn't say anything! Did I say anything? I said nothing about your under-roos looking like something out of a Wal-Mart commercial!" Jas dissolved into hysterical laughter as Dib felt his face become redder and redder. Grinning widely Liz bent over and looked into Dib's eyes. "Geeze human, even your neck is blushing. Is that even healthy?"

"You guys are jerks."

-

-

**_Party Main Dance Floor..._**

The poor Drunken Frat Boy #66 didn't know what hit him. One minute he was flirting with what may or may not have been a floor lamp (but if it was a lamp, then it was a damn sexy one at that) and the next moment he found himself on the ground as a terrifying black shape stole his pants.

"My precious! My precious!" the creature cooed, stroking the dark fabric before vanishing from sight.

Drunken Frat Boy #66 blinked down blankly upon himself before leaping to his feet. "Whooo! Everybody get naked!!!"

-

-

_**Back with Dib...**_

"Well that doesn't seem to have worked at all." Jas frowned at the monitor as she watched hundreds of drunk people rip off their pants and begin dancing around the room. In one corner, Zubon Rei looked like he was have a seizure from pure happiness. "In fact if I had to rate this I would have to say that this has only made things worse which is, as you all know, the anti-worked."

"Time to use fire," Liz said. "Ooh! Ooh! Or we could use Napalm!"

"Are you sure that you don't have an extra pair of pants around?" Dib asked, pulling at the hem of the skirt Liz had found for him uncomfortably. "I think this dress makes my butt look big."

"Aren't you supposed to protest our setting these fools on fire?" Jas asked. Wow. That skirt does make his butt look big, she thought.

"Yeah, and then propose a new plan?" Liz asked. Geeze, if his butt looked any bigger in that skirt then his head would be dwarfed, she thought.

Dib sighed, pushing past the two to look at the monitors. "I never knew that coming up with plans was so hard," he growled, glaring down at his fellow students. "It's so much easier to thwart them then make them. No wonder all of Zim's plans suck so much."

"So we are using the Napalm?"

"No." Brow wrinkled in concentration, Dib's face suddenly lit up. "I got it! Does this ship have some sort of large loading hatch that can be opened?"

"Yeah." Jas pulled up a copy of the blueprints on the monitor and pointed to a large room on them. "This is the Central Holding Bay. It has both a side and bottom door that can be opened for both loading and unloading."

"Is that room big enough to hold the entire party?"

"Should be," Liz said, smiling as she got the gist of Dib's plan. "But how are we going to be able to get them all into that room? They're currently scattered throughout the ship."

"Do you have an advanced hologram system?" Dib asked.

"Do we ever!" Jas laughed, her eyes lighting up. "Just put the finishing touches on it last month! We can make a moth look like a weapon and a weapon look like an even bigger weapon with just a little 3D modeling."

"Then here's my plan."

-

-

**_Party Main Dance Floor..._**

"Great party, Zim!" a drunken cheerleader cooed before falling flat on her face.

Zim nodded smugly, surveying his party from a plush red chair he had found, one hand protectively covering the barrel of money that threatened to overflow by his side. Yes, this was a great party, wasn't it. So very, very great. It was actually quite surprising that he was so good at this sort of thing.

Yes the party was great and nothing could go wrong. Nope, nope. Nothing at all.

"Everyone!" Dib shouted, suddenly bursting into the room. The music screeched to a halt and he smiled, triumphantly pointing at Zim. "Everyone look! See! He's an alien!"

"Well duh," someone said from a corner.

"Yeah. How dumb do you think we are?"

"We can totally tell what his Halloween costume is on our own, thanks."

"No!" Dib protested. "He's a real... Oh never mind." He stepped aside and gestured through the doorway as he heard the music start. "They have DDR in there."

On cue, Liz charged through the room, her fists in the air. "Whooo! Guitar Hero!" she shouted, running into the room. "I call first!"

There was a pause, then a mad stampede as the students all fought and argued to get in. Shortly, Dib found himself alone in the room with a shocked looking Zim. "What!?" the green alien shouted, eyes bugging out. "How!?" he demanded, running to the doorway to stare at the quickly growing crowd. "How did you lure them away from me, Dib-stink?"

"Easy!" Dib smugly said. "We go to a tech school! No tech student can resist DDR!"

-

-

**_Back in the Main Control Room..._**

"Sweet little bumblebee, more then just a fantasy," Jas sung softly along with the lyrics, bobbing her head to the tune. Smiling widely she gazed over at the monitor, hands flying across the keyboard to make adjustments to her holograms as needed. The brooms and mops Dib and Liz had collected were making pretty good guitars for all the Guitar Hero fans in there while everyone else seemed entranced by the flying arrows and floating bees that she filled the air with. "I go boom boom boom, you go zoom, zoom, zoom."

"How many more do I have to lure in?" Liz's voice sounded from her headset.

"Looks like three more, not counting Dib and Zim," Jas replied into the mike. "They're in the mess hall."

"Roger. Start bringing us up so we can fully open the hanger's bottom door."

Jas grinned widely, remotely starting the ship's engines. "Roger that. We'll be in dropping range in five minutes."

"Liz out."

-

-

**_Central Holding Bay..._**

"Foolish Dib-stink!" In the short time that we had left our heros Zim had gone from amazed that Dib had pulled his future work slaves away from him, to realizing that his plan would still work. "It matters not that you have brought my slaves away from me! All that matters is the monies I have raised for this stupid, Frat party! As I have raised the most out of every Frat house, then it's victory for Zim!"

"Ha! Like I'll let you win Zim!"

Three students ran past them, screaming something about DDR.

"I'd like to see you try and stop me, Dib-stink!"

"Oh, I'll stop you alright!" Dib shouted, rolling up one sleeve. "I'll stop you good!"

Liz walked into the room, smiling in a satisfied manner. "Hey you guys, would you mind taking like two steps into that room there?" They obeyed without ever looking over at her. "Thanks. We're good to go, Jas."

Zim smiled smugly at the Dib. "How do you intend to stop me, worthless worm-baby? By making me wear a copy of your cute little skirt?"

"Oh bring it on!" Dib shouted, hands going to grab Zim by the throat and start strangling him. As it turns out, he didn't have to. At that very moment the hanger's bottom door opened sending the entire party, including Zim, hurtling five feet to the ground. Blinking, Dib stared down at the carnage, suddenly very glad that he hadn't managed to walk into the danger zone. Looking up as Liz approached him, he frowned up at her. "I thought we were going to open up the side door and make holograms of the police to break up the party."

Liz shrugged. "Change of plans," she said shortly. Then she shoved Dib over the edge to fall heavily upon Zim who groaned something about his spine. "Let's go, Jas!"

"On it!" came the happy reply and the doors slid shut as the ship shot up into orbit.

Rubbing his back, Dib watched the ship dart up out of sight. "Jerks," he muttered, glaring up at the sky. "You could have said 'Thank you.'"

"Yeah, we probably should have," a hologram of the bee alien said, suddenly appearing in front of Dib. It bent over, pressing a kiss onto his lips. "Until next time, Boxer-Boy."

Dib flushed scarlet, one hand going up to touch his lips as the hologram vanished. His first kiss... Gone to an alien... Wait. Gone to a hologram of an alien? Did that even count?

"G-Get off me, Dib-stink," Zim groaned weakly from beneath Dib.

"Whoops!" Dib jumped to his feet, reaching back down to give Zim a hand up. "Sorry about that Zim. You okay?"

"I thought your humongous butt was going to crush me," Zim whined pitifully.

"My butt's not big!" Dib shouted, then blinked. "It's not big, right? I mean it's just the skit making an optical illusion, right?"

Zim sighed, shaking his head as he surveyed the groaning remains of his party. "Well, looks like it's all over. But I have still won, Dib! I have by far squeezed the most amount of money out of these PATHETIC Earth creatures so control of this campus will be mine!!!"

Dib frowned, then suddenly smiled widely. "Hey Zim, wasn't all that cash still on board the space ship?"

Zim's eyes went wide with horror and he fell to his knees, shaking his fists at the heavens. "Curse you, space ship stealing dirt-bags! CURSE YOU!!!!!"

Happy once again, Dib stuck his hands in his trench coat pockets and walked back to his dorm room whistling all the way. He'd go over to Zim's and torture the alien with scary movies later. Now, he had to go and get some pants!

-

-

**_A week later..._**

"They're still talking about it, you know."

"What, the party?" Jas asked, looking up from her computer chip. "You're kidding me, right?"

"Not at all. Apparently it was the event of the year," Liz said, sitting down across from her human friend and casting her wig aside.

Jas frowned and set the chip aside. "Well there's not going to be an encore. We still haven't cleaned up the mess those jerks made!"

"Agreed. However, there is that matter of what we're going to do with all that cash we found on the ship."

"Zim's charity money? Oh I know exactly what we're going to do with that."

"Road trip?"

"Viva Los Vegas, baby."

-

-

"I was so close! So close!!!" Zim moaned, banging his head on his desk in astronomy.

Dib rolled his eyes and continued to ignore his professor in order to make fun of his friend. "Don't tell me you're still all broken up about that, Zim. It's been a week!"

"I know!" Zim groaned, scratching his claws on the table. "But I was so close!!"

"Cheer up Zim, there's always next year."

"Next YEAR!? No! That'll take too long! There has to be other times, other places! I'VE GOT IT!!!" Laughing hysterically, Zim jumped onto his desk and pointed dramatically at the rest of the students. "Prepare yourselves humans! Prepare yourselves for fear beyond that which you have ever known before! Thanksgiving awaits!"

Dib opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it as Zim cackled insanely for a moment before leaping out the classroom window. Yeah. He'd cross this bridge when he got to it.

* * *

_This was supposed to go up last night at midnight. (Glare at computer) But I fell asleep instead._

_Yeah, I know this story was dorky and made no sense, but it made me happy to write it._

_Now to go and write something that's actually good!_

_Jader_


	18. Disappointment

#23 – Disappointment

_Even though he had done it all for him..._

* * *

Dib came from a screwed up family. He knew that now, he accepted it. His family was messed up on every level from his always absent father, to his video game obsessed sister, to his missing mother. They were really messed up. Quite possibly the the most fucked up family in the world. He knew this, but God he was so sick of it. 

Families were supposed to be there for one another. Parents were supposed to be proud of their children. Siblings were supposed to be slightly annoying and supportive. Instead of all that, Dib got a sister who yelled at him half the time and threatened him the rest. He had a father who was so busy being famous that he was never around. He had a dysfunctional family.

Dropping the plaque to the ground, Dib climbed into bed, ignoring the face that he was still fully clothed with his shoes still on. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Other children were born into families that loved and supported their children. So why had he been born into one where the UN was more important then the state Science Fair?

He'd done it for his father after all. He'd taken the path of 'Real' Science, been bored out of his mind, and created a project that had wowed every judge. His father had promised to come to the final competition. Dib had reminded him daily. He had written him e-mails and left notes on the fridge giving the date, location, and time. He had made **an appointment with his father's secretary** and yet his father had never come. Not even as the floating head video screen that his father routinely used for all of his children's skool functions. It was... It was...

...To be expected, he guessed. His father had never made much of an effort to go to any other of Dib's skool things. However, considering Dib had done all this to make his father proud he had hoped...

At least Gaz had been there. Even though she had just snorted when Dib explained his project to her and when he had won first she had still been there. She even didn't threaten him or anything like that. Plus, he had beaten Zim.

Stupid Zim. Using his stupid Irken technology to try and win the Science Fair. Dib had showed him at the very least. By using his natural human brilliance (and only a little help from Tak's ship... not that he was going to admit that to anyone) he had gotten first where Zim failed. The stupid short alien invader had spent the entire award ceremony alternately glaring at Dib and at the smug girl with the trained gerbils that had won second. Then, while Dib and the girl had stood in the center of attention, cameras flashing as reporters took their pictures, Zim had stalked off to grumble to himself.

Dib had thought he would feel a lot more pleasure from watching Zim be defeated so publicly, but he was too busy scanning the crowds for his father's face. Long after the crowds had gone, even long after the janitors had finished cleaning up and went home for the night, Dib had waited for his father to show up. Finally, Gaz had shut off her GS2, stood from her seat at her bother's side, and glared at him silently. "Let's go home," she growled lowly. "It's stupid here."

"Dad'll be here soon," he had muttered, staring blankly down at his plaque. "He's just running a little bit late.

If Dib had been looking at his sister he probably would have seen the look of pity that crossed her face before disgust took over. "He's not coming, Dib. Now let's go."

Gaz left the room. After a moment Dib followed.

"Not fair," Dib muttered to himself, pulling the blankets more tightly around himself. "Not _**fair**_."

"Food's here," Gaz shouted from downstairs. "If you don't hurry up you won't get any."

Not bothering to reply, Dib just pulled the blankets ever tighter his eyes slowly squeezing shut. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

* * *

_Sorry for not updating for so long. It's the exam/project rush so I've been insanely busy. I'm planning on getting the second part to this particular one shot up on Friday or Saturday though, then two more up next week just in time for the Christmas holiday. With any luck this will all be done by the start of next semester._

_Now to comment on Disappointment. I'm annoyed that this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, but hopefully Regret (the second part to this) will manage to be better. Coming up after Regret is going to be Tradition (a holiday story) and then Christmas, both of which I feel are better (although Tradition needs some tweaking) and both of which are almost completely done.  
_


	19. Sex

#14 – Sex

_You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals..._

* * *

"Report number 537," Zim muttered as he walked through the almost deserted streets of main street. "Subject: 'Night Life.' While many Earth humans profess to love this 'Night Life' thingie, most humans abandon it in favor of beds by three AM. This may be due to the human's obsession with 'sleep.' Further research is required." 

Coming to a street corner, Zim looked down at the shut up shops and clubs. He chuckled slightly. Stupid Pig-Smellys. Little did they know that all their secrets would soon be revealed to the almighty-ness of the Almighty ZIM! How he would rejoice the day the armada arrived and he was able to wipe every last disgusting creature from this planet.

They would rue the day that Zim had come to this filty mudball. _**RUE!**_

"Hey, big boy. Lookin' for some action?"

Zim stopped mid thought rant, turning slightly to eye the Earth female who beckoned him from the alley. Humans were a confusing race. The Earth female who smiled and waved at him sweetly was not wearing enough clothing to properly warm her on this dark night nor did her strangely colourful garments offer any camouflage. There was only the possibility she was a lure, but the clothes were too tight to properly conceal any Earth weapon. Deciding that she was not a threat, Zim cautiously approached. "What do you want, Pig-Smelly?" he demanded, hands on his hips.

The woman smiled so widely Zim worried for a moment that she would try to bite him. "Like it dirty, do we? I can make it dirty, my man."

Waving his hand dismissively, Zim shook his head. "I have no interest in Earth filth, foolish Earth-Smelly. Now why did you summon ZIM!?" He glared at her as the woman blinked at him and looked puzzled for a moment. "TELL ME!"

"I could show you a good time," the woman said, exposing one shoulder and smiling again through brightly painted red lips. "You up to it, man?"

"I doubt I could find any of your human attractions a 'good time.' Now BE GONE with you FILTHY EARTH FEMALE!" Zim shouted, glaring at the woman and pointing at her.

A cross look flashed over the woman's face as she stomped a high heeled foot on the ground. "I'm not goin' no where, tough man."

"FINE! Then ZIM will leave!"

"Good!" the woman shouted at Zim's quickly retreating back. "You just keep going there! Guys these day, no idea how to treat a lady... No way you'll be getting the secret from me then!"

Zim froze in mid-step, antenna twitching underneath his wig. "Secret?" he repeated, slowly turning around. "What secret?"

The woman glared at Zim for a long moment as if wondering if trying to salvage her gig would be worth the time or money. "You know, _The Secret_," she said slowly, her voice flat. "The secret that only a woman can show to a man."

"TELL ZIM YOUR SECRET!" Diving for the woman he grabbed her by the front of her dress and hauled her down so they were eye level. "You will tell Zim your secret, Earth Filth! Tell me now..."

Looking bewildered, the woman finally smiled sweetly and tried not to look too put off by the fact that she was being man handled by a man half her size. "Sure thing, sweetness. I charge a hundred for the full job."

One eye larger then the other, Zim glared at the woman. "One hundred Earth dollars and the secret is mine?"

"One hundred American dollars," the woman corrected, pulling away from him to brush herself off. "I don't take no Canadian."

His PAK was able to replicate such currency so Zim nodded, grabbing the produced money and shoving it in the woman's face. "Now... THE SECRET!"

"Not so fast," the woman laughed, briefly counting the money before stuffing it in her bra. "We gotta get out of this alley first... I know a good motel around the corner. Charges hourly."

"And then your secret will me mine?"

"'Course, darlin.' I'll be all yours there."

* * *

Dib glanced nervously up at Zim before quickly looking down at his food again. Okay, this was getting creepy now. Ever since skool had started, Zim had done nothing but stare at him with an unreadable alien look on his face. This in and of itself was strange. Sure, he and Zim were prone to staring at each other but usually the stares were composed of glares and dirty looks. Plus there was always the occasional threat or growled insult. Zim hadn't said a word. All day. Dib suspected the apocalypse was coming soon. 

Glancing up once more, Dib wondered if he should say anything. No... No he shouldn't. Zim wanted him to comment on the alien's strange activity. This was all just some sort of bizarre alien mind trick. A game Zim had come up with and started playing without ever telling Dib the rules. Nope. He wasn't going to say anything. Nothing at all. No way, no how, his mouth was-

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, ZIM!?" Dib found himself suddenly screaming, his hands pounding down on the table as he stood so he was eye level with the alien's blank gaze.

One of Zim's eyes widened slightly and Dib got the impression that Zim was eyeing him curiously. Folding his arms, the green boy stood on the other side of the table for another long moment before shaking his head. "You humans are **_disgusting_**," he said walking away.

"Huh?" was all Dib could think of to say as Zim left the lunch room. That hadn't been the ending to this story that the boy had expected. Sighing deeply, Dib began picking at his food again. "Aliens are weird..."

* * *

_I made the mistake of downloading Google Earth to look at deserts for a Geology paper I was doing. Now I'm a Google Earth fanatic. I lost at least two hours to that stupid program today. Stupid cool maps..._

_Well, as you can all probably tell this isn't Regret. No Regret isn't going to be my next Chocolate (which still refuses to become finished). I regret (Get it? Regret? God, I'm witty /sarcasm) to inform you, but I typed it up at school and planned to e-mail it to myself in order to review it, but forgot. And I'm too lazy to re-type it up. So I tried to put the finishing touches on this one instead._

_And remember kiddies... Prostitution is bad! If you sleep around, the kids at school will call you a fire crotch and then you'll be all sad and... stuff. Yeah... I sleep now.  
_


	20. Regret

#23- Regret

_And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...  
Little boy blue and the man in the moon...  
_

* * *

I hold his hand tightly as he mutters and moans in delirium. The once proud hero of Earth is only a shell of what I remember him. I idolized him. Everyone did. He was a great shining beacon of the future, the one who protected us and saved us from ourselves.

I squeeze his hand tighter as the medication the nurses gave him begins to kick in. Slowly, he stills and he eyes begin to clear. They fix on me, bewilderment in them. "Simmons? Where am I?"

Ordinarily, I would try and remind the Professor that Simmons had been dead fifteen years, killed in a transporter accident, but I don't think it would be best to confuse the Professor today. "You're in the hospital," I tell him, leaning closer so he can see me better. "You had a bad fall."

"Fall?" Eyes glazing over for a bit he thinks before nodding. "I remember. I was working on the Device." His hand grips mine as his eyes begin to close. For a moment I think he's died, but the heart monitor still beeps softly and his chest is still rising up and down.

Removing my hand from his I flag down a nurse from the hall. "How long will he sleep?"

The nurse looks tired, grumpy, and extremely overworked. "Who knows, darlin'?" she sighs, the affectionate word at the end sounding like it came from years of habit instead of thinking I'm darling. "Couple minutes to hours really."

"Could you have someone sit with him while I'm away?" I know it's a hopeless cause, but I have to ask anyway.

She looks genuinely sorry as she tells me that everyone's too busy to keep a old man company while I'm gone. Then, pager buzzing loudly, she runs down the hall. Other nurses join her as she goes to gather around a patient and begin CPR. I feel nauseous as I realize that the woman they're working on is dying underneath their finger tips. Glancing in to look at the Professor I almost go back to sit with him again, but realize that I can't. I have to bite the bullet and call his children… And then I'll see about getting the Professor a more private room.

* * *

I get the daughter's answering machine and leave a lengthy message telling her about her father's accident and the hospital details. Then I call the son. He's following in his father's footsteps and making the world a better place through science. The Professor always had me save any article I found on the son although the man never talked about him. There's a lot of distance between the two that they've never worked out.

The phone number for the son gets me a secretary instead and, for the life of me, I can't make her understand that I need to talk to the son, now.

"Professor Dib is a very busy man," she says in a high pitched drawl that's grating on my nerves. "I can book you an appointment for next August for a five minute conversation though."

I explain again. How I need to talk to the son because his father is in the hospital.

"Professor Dib can not be disturbed."

I give up on actually talking to the son. Instead I try to convince the secretary to give him a note for me. It takes forever, but grudgingly she admits that Professor Dib should probably know about his father's accident and promises to give him the note.

Hanging up, I feel so angry and upset that I throw my cell phone against the wall and let out a shout of disgust. Luckily the phone is Membrane brand so only the screen cracks from my mistreatment.

What's wrong with these people?

* * *

The nurses have to sedate the Professor again. He keeps trying to leave. With a broken hip bone and a fever of a hundred and three he keeps getting out of bed and trying to leave. He wants to go back to the lab. Says it's important. Has to go finish the Device. Has to go claim his second chance.

His hand in mine, I try and convince him that everything's going to be alright while I keep an eye on the door. Several hours have passed since I called them. His children should be here any second now.

They never appear.

I call them again.

* * *

Four messages on the daughter's answering machine.

Five different secretaries all promising to deliver my message personally to the son.

Why aren't they here yet?

* * *

The daughter finally calls me. She's in Japan for G4. Won't be back until Tuesday at the earliest. She called her brother about the emergency so he should be getting in contact with me soon.

One of the son's secretaries calls. I haven't talked to this one before. She tells me that the son is too busy to come, but he's authorized me to act at the Professor's Power of Attorney and to spare no expense.

I throw my cell phone across the room again and this time it snaps in half.

What's wrong with this family?

* * *

Only after I take advantage of the son's offer and have the Professor moved to a small private room do the reporters begin to show up. Like vultures they appear and begin circling overhead. On their lips are words like 'tragedy' and 'loss for humanity.' They speak of the Professor like he's already dead. It makes me thankful for the private room. With the blinds tightly shut and the two janitors I hired guarding the door I can almost ignore the noise that slowly grows.

If the Professor hears the noise he doesn't show it. He's delirious again. Muttering speeches to the UN he interrupts himself to rattle off design specs before barking out orders. Sometimes he acts as if he's back in grade school and sometimes he just mutters names.

A nurse comes in occasionally and checks his vitals. There's a permanent frown on her face and whenever she checks the Professor's temperature she sighs and shakes her head. Despite the fact that I've tried to talk to her several times she's largely ignored me unless she has to. When I ask her for something to help the Professor sleep more soundly she looks at me sadly and says; "Boy, we'll kill this man if we give him much more."

The Professor cries in his sleep now too. Begs forgiveness from the phantoms in the room. I don't have the heart to tell the woman that he might be better off dead. Instead, I put headphones on once she leaves the room. I crank up the volume until I can no longer hear him.

I feel sick just looking at him so I close my eyes and wish someone else was in my place.

* * *

Sleep must have claimed me for when I open my eyes it's almost three in the morning. The Professor's eyes are open and glassy and staring at me. For a moment my hearts stops. I think he's dead and spent his final moments looking at me, but slowly he blinks and smiles slightly.

"So you're awake." His voice is so soft I almost miss it.

Instantly the headphones are off my ears and I'm at his side touching his hand. His skin burns like fire, like there's something inside of him that's consuming him from the inside out. "Yes sir."

"Simmons… Where are my children?"

I wish he would stop calling me that. Staring into weak watery eyes I can't tell him the truth. "They're on their way, Sir. Should be here any moment."

He smiles and with his free hand pats my head. "You're a good boy, Simmons." The smile slowly fades and he sighs and looks away. "They're not coming, are they?"

"I…… No Sir."

"It's the family curse."

"Sir?"

"The family curse. That no one is ever there when you need them."

The old man looks like he's about to cry and I feel ill. I squeeze his hand tighter. "I'm here, Sir." I say the words like I matter.

He smiles again. "So you are, Simmons, so you are…" He's silent for a long moment and I think he's fallen asleep again before he speaks. "I failed, didn't I?"

I blink, confused. Failed? At what? "I don't understand, Sir."

"The Device, Simmons. I didn't finish it."

"No Sir, you didn't."

The Professor sighs deeply and seems to sink further into the bed. "Too bad. Of all my inventions, that one was the greatest."

I'm confused. I've seen the Device and it doesn't look all that impressive. Just a fancy clock really.

The Professor isn't looking at me anymore. He's gesturing weakly as he murmurs quietly deep in his throat. "I've always wanted to go back," he whispers to the press conference only he can see. "Always wanted to go back. My… My father was never there for me and I… Just to go back once… Just once… Change one thing… Hug… Go…" Eyes slowly sliding shut he muttered; "My poor son. My poor daughter," until he was finally able to sleep.

And then all was quiet and still.

And I rush into the bathroom to be sick.

* * *

I'm downstairs getting breakfast when the Professor goes.

A nurse rushes into the room and grabs my arm, dragging me along as my cereal goes everywhere. She never tells me what's the matter, but I can see it in her face and I begin to run.

The press are in a frenzy as I pass them. They must have seen the doctors running into the Professor's room. On their viewscreens already I can hear them pitching headlines to their rapt editors.

They've resuscitated the Professor twice before I got there. Both times he's coded again almost immediately. As I run into the room they bring him back a third time and this time he's stable. A nurse comes in with an angry expression on her face and a stack of paperwork as I reach out and grab the Professor's hand.

"I said he's not to be resuscitated!" the nurse is screaming at the victorious looking doctors that fill the room. "It's in his Living Will!"

"But we can't let Professor Membrane die on our watch!" one of the doctors protest. I recognize the look in his eyes. It's one of pure adoration for the man who's before him. This is another who's grown up on the Professor's shows. "Think of what the press would say!"

"I don't care!" the nurse shrieks and I wince and grab the Professor's hand tighter. I wish they would all go fight somewhere else. No one wants to hear this. "This is his wishes! Now get that machine out of here and go help the people who are going to live!"

We all wince at that. The doctors, heads hung, remove themselves from the room. The nurse waits and watches them all go. An angry expression still on her face, she manages to soften it slightly as she puts a hand on my shoulder. "It won't be long, sir," she says in what she believes to be a gentle voice. "He won't be with us much longer."

"I understand."

She smiles then, squeezes my shoulder slightly. "You're a good son, you know that? Not many would stay with their loved ones like you would."

I'm too horrified to tell her that I'm only the assistant, only nod as she leaves and shuts the door behind her. Looking briefly at the dying man in the bed I almost don't get to the restroom before I'm sick again.

* * *

The Professor opens his eyes only once more before he finally dies. "Dib?" he hoarsely whispers.

I throw down the magazine and am there by his side. He looks at me, but his eyes are glassy and it's like he doesn't see I'm here. "He's coming, Sir."

"Gaz?"

"On her way. Just a little bit longer soon and they'll both be here."

Weakly, the Professor shakes his head just once. "No. Simmons…" His voice fails him.

I lean closer. I don't know if I'm going to be sick or start crying. "Just another moment Sir and they'll be running through that door," I lie.

"Tell them… I'm sorry?"

Sickness. I almost run to the bathroom again, but I swallow the bile down. "Yes Sir. I promise Sir."

He squeezes my hand…

…and then he's gone.

I should call a nurse but as I stare down at the dead man I can barely contain the hysterical laugh that threatens to pass my lips. I'm unemployed.

* * *

I see the son at the funeral. His face is blank, his eyes ice cold as I tell him his father's final words. "That all?" he asks once I'm done. He turns to go. "It's too late for that."

The illness I've felt all this time turns to anger. My hands clenching into fists I glare at the son. "I liked you better when you where just a boy!" I shout.

The son freezes and then slowly turns around. There's fury in those eyes now and hurt. I know why and I'm not sorry even though he is. "And I liked you better when you weren't pretending to be a human, Zim," he growls.

For a moment we stand there like we were in 6th grade again. Fists clenched. Eyes set. Like before the Irken Empire was destroyed. Like before my life ended in an instant… Before the Professor took me in. I've come to have no regrets from losing that time, I came to respect and admire the Professor as I had my Tallest, but the son misses those days every waking moment. He never could touch me while I was under the Professor's wing, never could end the game, and even now that the Professor is dead I'm still under his protection.

I'm the first to end our staring contest. Crossing my arms I smile at the son, lips pulling back on my perfect human face. "Dib-stink," I say my old nickname for him to remind him of the old days. To hurt him.

"What?" he hisses.

"Where are your children?"

A blank look crosses the son's face and for a moment he looks confused. "I… At home."

"Are you sure?"

"Or at their mother's, I don't know!" The son looks flustered and more then a little angry. "What does that have to do with anything!?"

I sigh deeply and turn to go. "The curse continues…"

* * *

I go to the lab where the Professor and I worked. There are already men there boxing up half finished inventions and putting them in trucks. I'm recognized almost instantly by one of the son's minions who tells me I can't be here, but I ignore him and go straight to the Professor's workbench. The Device is there. A time machine. An invention to go and correct all of the Professor's past mistakes.

I smash it to the floor.

The minion squawks at me about 'destruction of private property' and the police and I want nothing more then to grab the man by the shoulders and hit him against the floor until his brains fall out. Instead, I let the hologram fall just long enough for the man to catch a glimpse of green skin and magenta eyes.

That shuts him up.

Stupid bastard.

* * *

Gaz comes to my apartment the next day. She's frumpy and pulling a suitcase so I know she's only just back from Japan. Nodding after I tell her about her father's last words she stares at me a long moment before making the offer. "Want a job?"

I consider it a moment. She's a CEO of a major video game company. She could put me into console development… I'd like that. However, I find myself shaking my head as I prop up my feet on my coffee table. "I'm starting up a rival company," I tell her.

Smart girl. Doesn't have to ask who it rivals. "Any reason why?" she asks instead.

"Because I hate humans."

She nods. "I can respect that."

After she leaves I hum as I walk around the apartment before retiring into my bedroom for the night. As always, I gently pat the battered green and white shell of a robot before climbing into bed.

Now if I could only discover how to fix Gir then I could say that I've truly lived without regrets.

* * *

_Written for John who always gets sick when he feels guilty. _

_That's right. I told everyone your secret! Now what are you going to do about it, buddy?_

_Originally, this story had an unnamed male assistant as the narrator but that gave me problems during the funeral scene. I didn't know how a stanger could ask after Dib's children (and realize the curse was still going) without it seeming too weird. After complaining at length to a friend (It's all your fault, John) I was told to shut up and make the speaker Zim. This seemed brillant to me and while it made me cut out a paragraph of the speaker talking about watching Membran'es show while he grew up, the rest fit with only a little tweaking. _

_I feel bad for Dib in this one though. I made him grow up bitter and the same way his father was._

_Oh! And a cookie for all those that got the chapter description reference! (The italics right under the theme number and tile, like the second line on the page)_

_Next update will be my two Christmas stories, but that'll be next week probably. I have an exam tomorrow and Thursday then a hard one on Monday and an impossible to study for one next Thursday. However, expect the chapter next Tuesday or Wednesday as those days are completely open. _


	21. Tradition

#25- Tradition

_Blue Christmas..._

* * *

I'd like to start by stating that I do not hate my brother. He's an annoying, paranoid, game disturbing piece of shit, but I've never hated him for longer then he's deserved. He does get on my nerves though. Especially when he starts raving on about that stupid alien Zim. Like Zim could ever really destroy the world... Heh. He's too stupid to do it and Dib's too stupid to realize it despite all the time that goes by. Thanks to my brother I've been dragged along on dozens of trips into the Earth's outer orbit, hundreds of spy missions, and had to listen to thousands of my brother's rants. However, despite all this, despite how incredibly annoying my brother is and how his voice sometimes causes me physical pain, I've never hated him. But he still annoys the piss out of me. Especially on days like this. Doubly so on days like this. He's just so... so...

Optimistic.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Before I can tell you why I'm stuck with no batteries on a dirty airport bench as Dib babbles on about Zim I have to tell you why we're here in the first place. It's all because of tradition you see.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was a baby. He said it was because of postpartum depression. She said it was because she couldn't stand my father never being around anymore. Whatever was the cause Mom walked out when I was two leaving Dib and me with a father who didn't know how to change a diaper much less hold a baby. Growing up a remember a lot of nannies, old ladies with fraying gray hair and a worn out look in their eyes. Then the last nanny quit and Dad tried taking care of us for a change before being distracted by work too badly and leaving the raising up to us. Can't say we did a fantastic job but I still thank God for Dad and his leaving money around the house. I don't think we ever would have survived without food delivery services. Dib could burn water and I've never cared about something so meaningless as cooking.

After Mom and Dad split up Mom was quick to remarry. A lot. The woman managed ten marriages in nine years before finally settling down enough to stay married long enough to a rich old fart to inherit his money after he died. Wealth seemed to suit Mom. She finally had everything she wanted. A luxury apartment in downtown New York, furs, jewelry, vacations to Europe, and an endless string of pretty young boys to amuse herself with. Despite all these distractions though the woman has still kept up with a tradition that makes me loath every day that gets closer to Christmas.

See, while Mom has had no interest in raising Dib or I the woman still wants us around. She likes to parade us in front of her friends to squeal over how smart and wonderful we are then walk off with tears in her eyes to mutter about how terrible Dad is. I think she does it for the attention. For the looks of pity and the words of encouragement she gets whenever she starts to sniffle. Dib of course thinks it's because Mom really misses us because he's an idiot and that's what he wants to believe. It's probably because of him that this stupid tradition has gone on for so long.

Stupid annoying Dib...

When Mom and Dad split, Mom signed away all parental rights on Dib and I. No longer did she have any say about what schools Dad enrolled us in, what religions he forced us to worship, or what beliefs were to be drilled into our heads. Instead she took a cash settlement that lasted her until step-father #1 and never looked back. However, sometime during step-father #1's time Mom changed her mind. She decided that she actually wanted Dib and I a little. Even if she didn't want us for the entire year, that didn't mean she didn't want us at all. So she sued.

Dad caved like... Well, I can't think of anything witty to allude him to he caved so fast. Boom. From seemingly having no mother to all to a mother every other Christmas. That's right.

Every.

Other.

Christmas.

Big change right? Dad should have just told Mom to go to hell. Of course when we were little seeing our mother for a week every other year was never enough but now that I'm older and have better things to do (like Vampire Piggies VI) any amount of time is too much time on that woman. Dib on the other hand... He just had to bring it up didn't he?

I would have been perfectly content with Dad forgetting all about Christmas with Mom this year but three weeks ago Dib goes up to Dad with this smile on his face like something really good is going to happen. Never mind the fact that this is one of Dad's few nights home when he's content to read the newspaper instead of working in the basement lab. Dib just goes up to him and asks if he's bought our plane tickets to Mom's yet. Had to remind him. 'Course Dad had forgotten, but with Dib right there reminding him he wrote a memo to Simmons telling him to get the tickets.

And with that my Christmas was ruined for this year. All because of an idiot brother.

However, this doesn't explain me without batteries waiting with Dib on a bench. I'll spare you the details so let's just say Dib is so dead for forgetting to pack my battery bag and Mom forgot to come get us for three hours. For two hours we sat there, the night air getting progressively colder and colder while he waited. Finally, with his lips blue and his teeth chattering Dib got the bright idea that he might actually have to call Mom to ask her where she was.

An hour later a familiar looking black limo pulls up and instantly Dib is on his feet, a wide grin on his face. Grabbing our bags he runs up as I trail behind only to have his face fall when the door opens and Mom isn't there. Instead it's our mother's slave/personal assistant. She looks far too old to be only thirty with a drawn pale face and her hair pulled back in a tight bun. She instantly sees the disappointment on Dib's face and smiles at us guiltily as she helps us put our luggage in the trunk. "How long were you guys waiting out there?" she asks in a voice that's too tired to be pleasant sounding.

Dib doesn't even want to look at her so I'm forced to answer. "Three hours," I growl, unable to mask the anger in my voice.

The slave winces and slams the trunk shut. "I'm sorry," she whispers as we all get into the limo. She nods for the driver to go. "No one told me you were coming this year."

"We always come this time!" Dib snaps, glaring at her before looking out the window. "This year is Mom's for Christmas. Why wouldn't we come?"

Sinking into her seat, the slave laughs nervously as her eyes dart from Dib to I then back. She opens her mouth to speak then seems to think better of it then blurts out; "Your mother is in the Mediterranean this year with a friend."

Dib and I can't help but stare at her. An empty look between surprise and horror is on Dib's face as I feel my hands slowly close into fists. Suddenly I can only see red as my breath becomes more and more ragged. "Mom went to the Mediterranean!?" I demand and suddenly it's raining outside. The driver swears and turns on the windshield wipers, muttering about global warming. "Why the hell are we even here if Mom couldn't even bother to show up!?"

"I'm sorry." The slave looks about ready to burst into tears. "I can understand if you want to go home. I'll try and get you tickets to fly back first thing in the morning."

"You do that!" I snap then turn to glare out the window. It pours the entire way to Mom's apartment. I watch the slave look guilty and Dib sit very still as he stares at his hands the entire way there. Internally raging I realize that I should have expected this. After all, there's another tradition for Mom's Christmases. One of disappointment.

I hate Christmas.

* * *

_Two days later then I said it would be, but it's up!_

_Oh, and cookies for Dibsthe1 and The Shadowy Doom!_

_ Oh, Oh, hopefully my other (more happy) Christmas fic will be up on Saturday, but if not then I'll just scrap it and strive for a New Years story instead. I had come up with a very neat (or at least I thought so) idea for the fic, but it's not translating to paper well so I might just cut my losses and go to Dib in College for a New Years special. Actually, the more I think about it the better idea that sounds since I won't end up insulting anyone with the teasing nature I have in the other Christmas fic... Yeah, I might put up the other Christmas fic but I'd really expect something just before 2007 if I were you._

_Thanks very much for reading and may you have a Merry Christmas, Yule, Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever else you may celebrate!_


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